Midlife Wife: An Aberration Story

They say what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.

Here's a topic I (unfortunately) know a thing or two about: midlife. Why is it that we spend so much time urging our kids to make good choices, work hard and smart, study, be careful, etc.? Well, of course, it's because we know how quickly the years pass. There's only a short time to achieve success, to set the stage, and pick a road ... or so we were told. Instead maybe, just maybe, we should tell them to deal with their issues, go after their dreams, don't give up ... There are certain things that get lost in the shuffle after awhile. Maybe we should worn them about that.

Sure, it's never too late but life has a way of crowding around us, narrowing our opportunities, fresh starts, and do-overs. Some wake up one morning with the frightening thought that life is half over when just yesterday there were 15 candles on the cake. How did that happen?

It's one of those WTF moments. You realize the very life you worked so hard to create sucked you dry and left you empty. Wasn't all that supposed to fill up the 15-year-old who felt so barren, you ask? "Get a life!" they told you. Well you did that--and it filled you up so tightly that you somehow lost track of yourself. Time is ticking, destiny is calling, parents are aging, youth is fading.

It's a crisis. And maybe you haven't had an identity crisis in so long that the idea almost feels good. The heart pounds, the blood flows. There's a desperation that's so bad it feels marvelous. You're suddenly alive again, barren like a 15-year-old ... and you don't want to lose that. Not again. Problem is everything around you, all the old stuff, seems dead. You have an overwhelming urge to run, jump the train, fly away, and get the heck out of dodge. After all, isn't that what killed you?

Maybe not.

So what's the answer to this dilemma? Not sure I know but I do suspect it's different for each person. My guest today, Jeff, is trying to deal with a wife who looked into the WTF mirror to find a lot she didn't like after being married for over three decades. Jeff is a spouse-left-behind (SLB). He's still in the thick of it, but has bravely offered to share his experience. He believes that those going through midlife difficulties need each other. Sharing and expressing the pain and understanding that a spouse's behavior isn't necessarily about your failure helps. He's taking one day at a time, staying strong for his family. This is his story.

You're in the midst of dealing with your wife's mid-life crises. Can you tell us what is happening?

To make this part of the long story short, about two years ago my wife’s mother passed away after a year or so following a stroke. It was determined at the end of her physical and speech rehabilitation, and a year in an adult day program, that she was then suffering from the onset of Alzheimer’s disease. Once it was determined she could no longer live with us due to the daily care needed and for her own safety and protection, she was admitted into an adult residence facility which catered to a senior population for Alzheimer’s and other memory related issues. Less than two months after being admitted she passed away. My wife, an only daughter, was grieving the loss. In the months following, she and I tended to her funeral affairs and estate issues.

Later that year, my youngest daughter graduated high school and went off to college leaving us an empty nest. Additionally, about a month after my mother-in-law’s death, a younger, single friend of my wife had lost her father. My wife and her friend were often conversing and supporting each other as they had something very much in common. During the year post death, something seemed different about my wife. I attributed it to grieving as anticipated but it was more than that. She and her friend were conversing regularly, texting, instant messaging, emailing and this would go both early morning and after I had gone to bed as well as multiple times during the day. From some of the conversations I heard laughing and whispering which I thought was strange but nothing more.

After a while I approached my wife about the excessive conversation with this person. She stated that she had few friends and this one was close now due to the mutual losses they both experienced. She reinforced that they needed to connect with each other to cope. In my naiveté I believed her but became suspicious. I started noticing overages on the cell phone bill, extensive computer use, her minimizing the computer screen when I walked by, and basically a secretive type of behavior. Family members of mine noticed her behavior being different, co-workers wondered what was changing with her, she became distant to me and not interested in conversation, intimacy or spending free time together. This was very atypical of her as we had a great social relationship between us for most of our 30+ years of marriage.

How can you be sure that this is a mid-life crisis? Based on your research and years of working in the psychiatric health care arena, help us understand.

At first I didn’t know what to think. This “illness” does not have a formal psychiatric diagnosis. I started to research on the internet and described it to my older female relatives, their thinking it may be the onset of menopause. More research brought on more questions. I spoke to a family counselor, minister and family physician. I stumbled across some websites and forums that spoke of similar situations (www.PathPartners.com, www.divorcebusting.com). (Also see the list below.)

In my estimation, it started as midlife “transition” since it has much of what I had read on midlife sites. Death of a family member occurred, an empty nest situation came to fruition, my wife seemed confused and short tempered at times, she lost her pleasant personality and began to attack things I had done for her, things I hadn’t done, the length and quality of our marriage, being married too young (21?), my career path, my formal education, the house we bought, the cars we own, being unhappy for the longest time, re-writing our marriage history to describe my never being there for her, saying we have grown apart, blaming me for just about everything!

She added that she was confused, needed time to be alone and possibly away from me to work things out. She asked me to move out of our bedroom which I did for a couple weeks then realized I did nothing wrong and moved back again to her dismay. She was isolative, sleeping far over the other side of the (queen) bed, no physical interaction at all (including kissing or even touching, certainly no intimacy). After two weeks she decided to move out of the bedroom to a spare room I had been using. She made this smaller room her own, changing lighting, reorganizing furniture, keeping the bed very neat and orderly. Occasionally I would hear her speaking on the phone late night or early morning, laughing and joking. She was protective of my entering this room with her there or not, basically concerned with control issues even though it is also my house as well as hers. We never had issues like this before, very protective.

When the transition became a “crisis” was when I found definitive proof of an affair in what I had read on our family computer. My wife and her friend had planned driving trips together, weekends at a shore house, plans for seeing shows, movies and anticipating upcoming meeting times- I also found documentation of emotional sharing and intimate liaisons between the two which caught me wildly by surprise. During this time she had become obsessed with bills and expenses, wanted all credit cards to be divided, joint accounts split, to pay her own bills and take care of her own car maintenance, many of the tasks I performed since marriage. She started changing passwords for the computer and email as well as keeping her cellphone at hand. Once confronted with the proof from the computer my wife immediately denied it, then blamed me for intruding into her “personal” data that wasn’t supposed to be read by others.

Later she stated they were just friends, didn’t know how it happened but is over now. Two months later my wife moved out to her own apartment.

When your wife left you, how did you initially cope and how are you currently coping? Have your methods and attitudes changed?

It has been about three months now since she moved. Initially I was devastated but kept a straight face and stayed positive saying things like “you need to do this to feel better” when she left. It was my proactive way of letting her know I cared I guess. I was coping by speaking with my elder siblings and other family members, trying to stay as active as possible both around the house and in social events, trying to eat and sleep right. I continue to research it as that is just my nature. I try to take each day as it comes as many on the forums have suggested since my wife’s mood may change significantly on any given day. A frequent motto is that you can change yourself, you cannot change another. You must take care of yourself and your children (if applicable) since that is the only thing you can control. I am practicing detachment which is a method of keeping me away from the emotional feelings I have for her. Not that I don’t love her, just that I don’t want those feelings to consume me.

Most people who share their stories have struggled through their aberrations, and come out on the other side. I realize that you're still in the thick of it. What value have you found in sharing your emotions and thoughts with others, here and in other forums?

It is cathartic and can often get you through a bad time. Sometimes you need the help of others on the forum; other times you help them by your experiences. It is also good to get suggestions on what you might be doing right (or more often wrong) in dealing with your spouse.

You have several children. How are they dealing with the situation? Sometimes that is the worst aspect of marital issues. As parents, we can't bear to see our children suffer. What approach have you taken thus far, and is it helping?

Fortunately my “children” are all adult aged. This made it a little easier for them to “understand” and for my wife to tell them. She did not want them to be told but since they saw the bizarre behavior in their father (investigating the computer files and phone bills, wondering why she was always on the phone, checking out when she didn’t come home on time) I made it a point that they needed to know and were certainly old enough to handle it, if not understand it (which I continue to struggle with). I saw some pain in them but I think they see more in me as their lives are actively unfolding and maturing.

I'm certainly not an expert on it, but my understanding is that at mid-life we often get smacked in the head with unresolved issues from growing up. Sometimes people joke about mid-life crisis, but isn't it important to deal with unresolved issues? Maybe it's life's way of telling us that time is getting short--get down to business. What are your thoughts on this?

Absolutely- unresolved childhood issues come to the forefront (such as lack of independence, control, mental or physical abuse) but manifest as control issues against the spouse. Normal “life” gets in the way (careers, home purchase, pregnancy, child rearing) and postpones those issues until something jogs our brain and we start looking at the other half of life (downhill stretch) and possibly the endpoint comes into view. In my situation, my wife wanted to do many things that she believes (in an irrational way) I kept her from doing. Not only did I not prevent those things from happening, I encouraged them to be pursued. It was her reluctance to go after her “dreams” (but in truth, they may not have been a strong influence at the time).

What are the top three things that we can do when someone we know is faced with this aberration? Sometimes it's hard to know what to say. What do you wish, hope, or welcome from others?

1) Be supportive of the person’s need to vent without judgment- it is a devastating development, often brought on by surprise. The left-behind-spouse (LBS) doesn’t know where to turn or who to speak with.

2) Don’t start a campaign against the person in crisis so that the LBS feels comfortable and vindicated. You are speaking about their wife/husband who they have been living with and possibly raised a family, often for many years.

3) A multi-faceted reply- Obtain professional help in the form of individual counseling or medical help, take care of self and children, keep active in your church, community, work, do whatever makes you feel good about yourself.

We all want a happily ever after scenario but life doesn't always work that way. Do you think that changing our expectations about what happily ever after means helps us cope?

That is the intention and just one of many coping mechanisms but it is often easier said than done. Many joke about midlife crisis but I would question those who joke if they ever had to deal with it themselves. Some of my friends have described coming from broken homes. When they explain the situation, it is frequently due to a parent having a midlife crisis while they were young and they didn’t understand it but the family got through it. They say what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.

Today as you walk through this quagmire you didn't expect to find yourself in, are there any words of hope that you cling to? What keeps you getting up each morning to search for positives?

I look at life a little more positively now. I reflect on what enjoyment I have with my friends and family and life in general since my BFF (my wife) is very distant and for the most part, no longer in the picture. I seek support where I need it, try to stave off depression and expect to look for professional help if it gets too overwhelming. I realize I can only do so much and that I cannot change someone else’s behavior, just my own.

Here are some resources that Jeff found helpful:

http://midlifeclub.com/

http://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/midlife-crisis.html

http://www.fortysixty.org

http://counsellingresource.com/distress/mood-disorders/understanding-depression/index.html

http://womensinfidelity.com/

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Nudes & The Art Virgin

To check out my latest column (The Art Virgin) in The New York Optimist go here. You can also read my novel, Boundaries, which is being published in serial. If you'd like to follow along, best to start now.

Boundaries is the story of Peyton Bound, a young woman who becomes embroiled in a tight love triangle while struggling to break away from her mentally ill mother. It's a story close to my heart because, although it's fiction, it's based on my life as a young adult. I hope you'll check it out.

Also, I just added some of my art to a cool site called barebrush.com, which is dedicated to nudes. To see what I posted, go here. I'm now working on a nude piece that's 7 feet tall! Stay tuned ... it should be interesting ...

Coming up later today: Mid-Life Wife: An Aberration Story. Sphere: Related Content

Sickened: An Aberration Story

If we can tweak our expectations of what life is supposed to be about, we can perhaps be satisfied ...

The bond between mother and child is often hailed as the most critical in our development. So what happens when that bond is broken, falsified, or sickened? In her book, Of Woman Born: Motherhood as Experience and Institution, Adrienne Rich writes, "The loss of the daughter to the mother, the mother to the daughter, is the essential female tragedy." I think about this a lot due to the ongoing struggle I have with my mother.

Our mother is our mirror. If that mirror is distorted in some profound way, we lose a key component, which is extremely difficult to find later. As for me, I trudge on, looking for it here and there. My search led me down a dangerous path more than once, but it's also caused me to view the world in a unique way. It's made me try to see it all without a mirror; it's helped me find my own sight. When there is no mirror, or it's dirty, distorted or broken, everything feels like a haze. Everything is muted or twisted out of shape, somehow unreal. You don't know who to trust or how to love.

Last week, I had the wonderful opportunity to spend time with Julie Gregory, author of Sickened: The True Story of a Lost Childhood (Bantam). Julie grew up with a mother who literally sickened her. I read Sickened a few years ago, and it shot to the top layer of my all-time favorite reads. I identified with her story in many ways, and marveled at her courage, depth and amazing talent. When I began posting interviews on Aberration Nation, Julie stood out as someone I'd love to include. I now count Julie as a friend, and am thrilled to share her story with you.

Note: I usually do my interviews by email, but due to Julie's schedule, I interviewed her by phone. Please keep in mind that the answers below are my interpretation of her thoughts.

You had an unusual childhood that revolved around Munchausen by proxy. Can you explain what that is and how it molded your childhood?

Munchausen by proxy, which has been modernized to Illness Falsification, is one of the world’s most dangerous forms of child abuse. The name was changed to help people better understand what it is, and relate to it more easily. Many people don't know how to recognize it, and no central data exist on it nor is there a specific reporting agency that handles it. It’s not an illness. It’s an action done by a perpetrator to a victim. Injuries or illness can be induced or made up by the perpetrator. As in the case of rape, there can be many underlying illness and reasons why illness falsification is perpetrated.

As for how it molded my life, first let me say that anyone who has an abusive childhood has no other point of reference for comparison. When a child is given medications for fabricated illness, they eventually feel sick and don't have any idea what's going on. It takes a long time to grasp that this person who made them sick is their mother, the one who is supposed to be taking care of and protecting them.

I loved my mother and wanted to please her. I was very confused about how to do that and was ill because of the medications she had me taking. A brief moment of illumination at 13 made me realize that something wasn’t right. The psyche shields abuse survivors from the horrendous reality. Otherwise you'd go crazy. It would be like a daily rape that you can't deal with. The psyche saved my life. As an adult, I don't like health care professionals, and don't trust them. I don't do well with dentistry and medical treatments. Anyone who works on me in medical way has to wear kid gloves. My childhood experience has given me a fine-tune antennae for perpetrators. I don't think the mentally ill should have children in their care. The perpetrators of illness falsification are like pedophiles and should be locked away. I now work on this issue every day.

Your mother's illness put great strain on the family dynamic. How did Munchausen by proxy also touch the lives of your father and brother?

There's a whole spectrum of family dynamics that are considered normal. And then there are these really bad dysfunctional families. That’s what I had. Dad wasn't normal either; he also suffered from mental illness. My parents were two mentally crippled adults who came together. They attracted each other. People are attracted to those who share their realm of thinking. My mother was aggressive and my father was passive, which made their dynamic work. What my mother did didn’t affect my father because he was so blah.

After Sickened came out, he told me a tragic story that truly gutted me. I was sitting in the Target parking lot talking to my dad on the phone. He said, “You know Sissy, there might be something to your book after all. Do you remember when your arm was out of socket?" (I broke my arm in grade school but I didn’t remember this socket thing.) He said, "You must have been about one and a half. Your arm came out of socket. The doctor asked me what really happened. Your mother said that you fell off couch, but the doctor said that falling off the couch wouldn’t cause an arm to be completely pulled out of socket. He thought your mom did it to you. But I told him that she was my wife and I was going to believe her.” He then said he wished now that he’d paid attention. This made me cry for myself. I was just a baby stuck with these ill people who shouldn't even have had a plant to watch over, much less a kid.

As for my younger brother—we came from a family where males were much more celebrated than females. Just like the some other cultures, girls were considered good for sex and cooking, and that was about the extent of it. It was archaic. That was the dynamic. When Mom turned on my brother, Dad stepped up for him in a way that he never would for me. Dad still has this mentality. He actually took a stand and physically abused my mom at one point when she tried to talk to him about my brother being ill. Mom backed off and then turned to getting foster children.

As children, who love and depend on our parents, it's almost impossible for us to grasp the truth when we're forced to exist in a lie. It's a type of brainwashing that is extremely difficult to break away from on many levels. How did you eventually come to realize your mother had a major problem, and that her problem had horribly curtailed your life?

The realization was incremental. I'm a firm believer in the Stockholm syndrome. Consider that an abusive situation is like a prisoner of war situation you don't realize is happening. The lure of family is so strong. Many adults do eventually cut their abusive parents off. No one ever says to the child, “I'm getting ready to do something very bad to you.” Abusers have a highly sophisticated way of rationalizing the abuse. The child begins to feel responsible; remember, they have the heart of a child. The parent trains the child to be their alibi.

How common is Illness Falsifciation, and what are the top three signs we should look for to make sure that the children around us are not caught in this trap?

Larry Brubaker, who is retired from the FBI, used to do Illness Falsification workshops. He felt that these cases were at epidemic levels but is still considered rare because there is no central reporting agency. Common methods used to identify abusers don't work in these cases. You have to take kid away for quite awhile and observe them. You can’t let the parent near the child. It's complicated to do this, and services aren't equipped for it or savvy about it. The common scenario is removing the child from the home for ten days, and this doesn’t work with Illness Falsification.

Illness Falsification is not just focused on physical illness. It can also take the form of psychiatric or developmental obsession. For example, a mother wants her kid in special education, but the kid can read. There have actually been cases where a child is unable to read in front of mother when they can read perfectly fine at school. The teacher invites the mother for a conference and asks the child to read. With the mother present, the child can’t read. So, you see, this can happens on all kinds of levels. Don't think it's rare. There are both subtle and extremely dangerous cases. Mothers have had their children's organs removed and they’ve died.

Here are the top 3 thinks to remember about Illness Falsification:

1) Watch for a mother who is constantly talking about the inadequacies of her child with everyone. This can be physical, mental, or developmental. She talks about it at the child’s school, with her friends, at church, at the grocery store, etc. She seems obsessed with inadequacy of the child and speaks about it in front of the child as if they're not there. She always says that something is wrong with kid.

2) Watch for a child who seems overly enmeshed with the mom ... not developed, pale, malnourished, and quiet. Like a victim of kidnapping with the perpetrator controlling every aspects of their life. The child seems like an appendage to the parent.

3) Remember that when a child is removed from the situation, they need to be given two or three weeks without intervention from the mother. If you're dealing with Illness Falsification, they will begin to improve. The issues they supposedly have become nonexistent. Lethargic kids come to life in the foster home. Wean medications off. Medications can make kids sick so you have to be careful.

Aberration Nation is about celebrating what we learn and how we grow from some of the most awful things that befall us. Now that you have survived and escaped the life you faced as a child, are there any positives you have pulled from the experience? Has it, in any way, help created the best parts of who you are today?

I want to be able to tell you that it has helped me, that my philosophy is that good will triumph over evil, but it's not. Not yet. I was beyond depressed for so long. I’ve become jaded. I’m not able to feel the positive of all this so much now but I do believe that I’m still at the center of my journey. It takes a lot of time.

What do you say to yourself these days when things don't go well? Do you have a special motto or words that you live by?

I need to find some words to live by. I'm still so in the middle of trying to figure out what life's about and what my personal philosophy can be. I see that everyone is in pain. We need to sit with it. If we can tweak our expectations of what life is supposed to be about, we can perhaps be satisfied in a new way. I love Pema Chodron’s book, When Things Fall Apart: Heart Advice for Difficult Times. It’s become my manifesto. It helps me come to grips with disappointment.

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Edith Halpert Joins Aberration Nation

I just read Lindsay Pollock's book, The Girl With the Gallery, which chronicles the life of Edith Halpert. I invite you to hop over to Book Lust to read my review of Pollock's book and find out why I've decided to make Halpert the latest honorary member of the Aberration Nation.

Other Aberration Nation honorary members:

Helen Gurley Brown
Alan Cummings
Pat Conroy
Lizzie Miller Sphere: Related Content

Swarming to Life: My Latest Work

So here it is. This piece marks my journey into a new stage of creative reach. Watch me grow. My next piece will likely take awhile to complete, but should be worth the time and effort. Here I go ...

Swarming to Life
30 x 30 Acrylic on Canvas

For a closer look:

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The Art Virgin & Boundaries

I'd like to invite everyone to check out my new column, The Art Virgin, which debuted today in The New York Optimist. Along with The Art Virgin, The New York Optimist will publish my novel, Boundaries, in serial. The Art Virgin will chronicle my journey into the New York art world, working closely with art aficionado/guru, Bob Hogge.

The New York Optimist magazine and www.thenewyorkoptimist.com is a multi media company focusing on the arts, and lifestyles both local and worldwide The New York Optimist is a online magazine that prints a collectors edition four times a year including original prints by famous artists in photography, fine painting, and sculpture. Distribution targets New York, New Jersey, The Hampton’s, and Connecticut.

Online, The New York Optimist can be viewed as an interactive resource for lifestyles and the arts, education and business spotlights that cover most industries including Real Estate, Fine Dining, Travel, Interior Design, Education. It also includes live news feed from CBS, NBC, and many other information based companies and web sites.

I'm thrilled to join The New York Optimist and hope you'll follow me there. Sphere: Related Content

Cancer Vixen: An Aberration Story

Do you ever get sick of being sick? Well, I've been sick for the last two weeks (sinus infection, cold, sore throat, cough, aches and pains, etc.).

No, I don't have the Swine Flu.

Nevertheless, I'm sick of it. I want my energy now! (Stomp of foot.) I can't slow down or hold back. I can't stop and take a nap in the middle of the day! Life goes on and I'm all about moving on. As my southern relatives used to say, "Dad gum it!" And as I frequently say, "This is crap!"

But ... every time I complain about all these aches and pains, I feel a little sting of guilt. That's because I know I shouldn't complain. After all, I don't have pulmonary fibrosis, spina bifida, MS, narcolepsy, or cancer. These are just some of the illnesses/conditions we've heard about on Aberration Nation. My runny nose is simply a drop in the bucket compared to what others go through every day. Shame on me! And shame on you if you've got a nagging cough, too.

When I was a kid, my sweet grandmother, Dorothea, used to say, "Be thankful for your health." Most of the time, I'd smile and blow it off. I was fit as a fiddle, and healthy as a horse. I could do a cartwheel and the splits at any given moment. I didn't foresee any major health issues in my future, thank you very much. Ha!

Well, the older I get, the more I realize just how on target my little Granny was.

Now I'm long overdue for my first mammogram, still assuming that when I finally get there, it will come out clean as a whistle. Well, October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month, and the Cancer Vixen herself, Marisa Acocella Marchetto, has reminded me that life doesn't always turn out as planned. You can be fit as a fiddle, riding a high horse down main street with crowds cheering you on one minute, and falling off into a puddle of crap the next. It happens to all of us. If not today, perhaps tomorrow or sometime in the next thirty years. We're not as indestructible as we thought at sixteen.

It happened to Marisa. This is her story. Reading it has convinced me to finally get off my fanny and go for that mammogram so it doesn't become mine. Maybe I'll wear high heels in honor of Marisa. I'll definitely be wearing my lipstick.

At a time when you seemed to be on top of the world, life kicked you in the rear. Tell us what happened?

Just three weeks before I was to get married for the first time at 43 to the love of my life, Silvano Marchetto, just when I was asked by David Remnick, Editor-in-Chief of The New Yorker, just when I found my wedding shoes and bag (hey, my Smother is a shoe designer - I get dressed from the feet up), I was diagnosed with breast cancer. And on top of that, I didn't have health insurance!

I felt like the Electrolux of the Universe sucked me into a Black Hole.

How did you initially cope, and how did cancer impact your plans?

It was as if the Grim Reaper, that nasty boney Bitch from hell, knocked my door down, getting in my face saying "CANCER YOUR WEDDING! CANCER YOUR CAREER! CANCER YOUR LIFE!

Naturally, I was a bit bummed out by that. Days later, while on GLAMOUR deadline, my editor, Lauren Smith Brody, called me. When I told her the news, her second reaction was "Can you give me four pages on it?"

Next, I went for a walk with my BFF, Bob Morris. When I told him that Glamour wanted me to write about it, he asked me what I was going to call it. I said, "Breast Case Scenario." "That's a terrible title, babe," he said, then looked me up and down. I was naturally a bit bummed to say the least, when he told me I looked like a victim. "Where's my Vixen?" he asked, and then advised that I get rid of my dirty sneakers, put on my 5-inch heels, and call my piece "CANCER VIXEN."

So, that's what I did. And I wore fabulous shoes to chemo and my mantra was "Cancer, I am going to kick your butt, and I'm going to do it in killer 5-inch heels."

Did your priorities change, and if so, how?

I used to say I was hung up on the "S.S.S." (the SUPERFICIAL STUPID STUFF). Getting the right bag, the right shoes, etc. I was a total fashion victim. Now I dress to make myself feel better. I think that if you feel good, it strengthens your immune system. The stronger your immune system, the healthier you'll be and the less likely you'll have a recurrence.

As a highly successful cartoonist who had written a graphic novel, what inspired you to chronicle your battle with cancer in a new graphic novel, Cancer Vixen?

After Cancer Vixen ran as six pages in Glamour, I felt it was just the tip of the iceberg in terms of what I had to say. Luckily, I was offered a book deal by Knopf.

How did sharing your aberration in Cancer Vixen influence your life and attitude?

When I first went into Breast Surgeon Dr. Christopher Mills' office, he did a sonogram. When I saw the print-out, I thought it looked like a black hole. Dr Mills had a different take. He said it looked like a pearl. I was conscious enough at that point to realize that I had gone into negative space ... and maybe that's how I viewed life. So ... I tried to focus on the pearl. Pearls are symbols of wisdom.

I'm sure there were some horribly low moments. How did you navigate through those times?

I never used the word my in front of cancer. I never wanted to own it. I also felt that when I wrote about everything--EVERYTHING--I was taking the situation off of myself, and putting it on paper. That process was enormously healing. Only later I found out about the phrase "objective journaling,"which is what I was doing back then. For this reason I say, "Get it off your chest girls! Write! Write! Write!"

Was there any particular method, attitude, or person that got you through?

My attitude: Don't be a Victim, Be A VIXEN. That helped. Writing helped. And never underestimate the effect your loved ones can have on you. I am happy to report that Silvano and I got married three weeks later, just like we said we would.

You know the "Law of Attraction?" Well, I was practicing the "Law of Distraction." Instead of focusing on the fact that I had cancer, I focused on the fact that my wedding was coming up, and I needed a dress. Instead of focusing on the cancer freak-out, I had a deadline and focused on that. Instead of focusing on the chemo IV in my hand, I looked past that at my spectacular shoes, which made me feel better.

It's like finding the pearl in a Black Hole.

Now you promote cancer awareness in various ways. Besides writing Cancer Vixen, what was the impetus for continuing your efforts to support the cause?

I have the CANCER VIXEN Fund, and we raise money for uninsured and under insured women so they can get screened for breast cancer. When I was writing Cancer Vixen, I came across this fact: 49% of women who are diagnosed with breast cancer have a greater risk of dying from the disease. Here's the good fact: if you find breast cancer early, you have a 98% survival rate. So, it's important to get screened. It'll save your life.

The Cancer Vixen Mission: NO BREAST LEFT BEHIND!

It seems that the older I get, the more I hear of women being diagnosed with breast cancer. What are the top three things we can do for our friends, neighbors, relatives, etc. who are faced with this terrible situation?

This is Breast Cancer Awareness Month so ...

1. Tell your mother, your sister, your aunt, your cousin, your friends to all get mammograms, or if they're too young--to do a self exam!

2. Diet: Don't drink milk. It's full of antibiotics and hormones. Girls are being diagnosed at an earlier age, and some Oncologists feel it's because of the hormones in Milk ... and also, chicken. Eat more veggies and fruits. A plant-based diet is best.

3. Exercise: Extra weight = Extra risk

What can you share with us in terms of the positives that dealing with breast cancer brought to your life? Did you find use for the lemons life had flung your way?

As my mother said, "When God gives you lemons, make Limoncello!" But just don't drink too much of it ... drink less- live more! That's what I did!

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Artist Esther Barend

Artist Esther Barend blogged about my latest novel, Centerpieces, today! Cool! Esther lives and works in The Netherlands, but is well connected in the New York art scene. In addition to painting, she loves to read and "devours books."

I greatly admire Esther's work, and am honored that she not only read Centerpieces but also LOVED it! Read how she and I connected as well as her early review here.

Now to find the right publisher ... stay tuned! It's a long and winding road. Sphere: Related Content

Philly: The City of Brotherly Love?

The ironies in life continue to amaze me. Carlotta Walls LeNier, one of The Little Rock Nine and author of A Mighty Long Way: My Journey to Justice at Little Rock High School, recently agreed to an interview on my blog, Aberration Nation. As one of the first African-American students to grace the halls of an all white high school in the Deep South, Mrs. LaNier was spit on, yelled at, pushed, and otherwise abused simply because her skin was dark. All she ever wanted was a first rate education.

Mrs. LaNier graduated from Little Rock High School in 1960, the same year my parents graduated in a neighboring city. Although I was raised in the Deep South, I still found it shocking that Mrs. LaNier and her classmates were treated so horribly. Now that I’ve hit mid-life, 1960 seems like yesterday. How could such atrocities have happened yesterday?

The irony is that while I sat thinking this over, and creating my interview questions for Mrs. LaNier, I was turned away from a scheduled bookstore signing event because I’m white. Yes, I was invited to do a book signing in the heart of Philly, a city I’ve always hailed as progressive; the city of brotherly love. It’s my home now so I was quite excited about the October 3rd event in Center City. It turned out that I’m just not black enough; it had to be cancelled.

I received an email from the bookstore asking if I was black, or perhaps black and white. When the bookstore manager received my books, and examined them, he realized that perhaps I was white. Apparently, they don’t sell books written by white authors in their store. Of course, I understand themed merchandise; however, since the date had been set, I assumed they would honor the arrangement. I thought surely they could use what they viewed as a lemon to generate some form of literary lemonade. I could care less what color the folks are who purchase my books. When I choose a book, the color of the author’s skin doesn’t factor into my decision. Why should it influence theirs?

I let them know that my being white wasn’t an issue for me. Although it may be unusual for their store, I believed it could still be a successful event. In fact, I liked the idea because it was an opportunity to so wonderfully demonstrate that color doesn’t matter; all that matters is great literature. Unique qualities in both people and novels, regardless of what they are, make for fascinating content. Ironically, this is the overarching theme of my novel. They politely stated that the event would have to be canceled, books returned, end of story.

What? I just wasn’t black enough.

A dear friend of mine said that African-American bookstores are going out of business at an alarming rate. According to her, there’s a huge push to save and promote an art form that serves as a strong foundation for black communities. Well, perhaps that’s part of the issue. I had hoped that at some point, the foundation of our country would merge, and encompass all that we’ve been through and survived together. America has a strong tradition of fostering and supporting those joining us from countries around the world. Can we not share our common American history? Can we not share our incredible literature?

Many other independent bookstores are struggling as well. Should they toss out all the African-American literature so that their white customers will come in more often?

No!

As one of my Facebook friends commented, “The only way we can eradicate racism is to be completely colorblind.” Another suggested that I invite President Obama and the bookstore owner to meet over a beer and discuss the issue. Not a bad idea, Mr. President.

Just like Mrs. LaNier only wanted a great education, all I ever wanted was to create something spectacular. Sure, no one spit on me or yelled obscenities, yet somehow, in the midst of a city founded on brotherly love, it seems we’ve all just gotten a boot in the rear. As for me, I’ll keep writing and selling my work to whomever is interested. After all, if you read my Facebook profile, you’ll see that my religion is love.

And love has no color.

Up Next: Julie Gregory, author of Sickened: The Story of a Lost Childhood.

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Is THAT Art? -- Aberration Nation News Flash

Great news on the art front!

I'm going to be working with Bob Hogge; he's taken quite a shine to me. Initially, Bob agreed to read my new novel, Centerpieces, and potentially provide early review comments. Vincent and Theo van Gogh are key characters in the novel, which takes place in Paris and New York City. Bob liked the book so much that he stopped reading, put down his morning coffee, and called me up. He went on to take a look at my art as well.

Now we're in cahoots.

To kick off my new adventure with Bob, I'm re-posting an essay I wrote several months after picking up the brush. This essay, Is THAT Art?, is one of my earlier Aberration Nation posts.

I've come quite far over the last couple of years. Now I'm ready to touch the light fantastic, swing on a star, and lasso the moon (all incredibly corny but true)! Stick around to see what happens ... now that Bob found Penelope.

_______________________________

Is THAT Art?

Although I majored in Biology, I spent many hours in college studying art history. At the time, it never occurred to me to actually paint anything. I was a writer in my spare time, not an artist. All I wanted was to express something beautiful and appealing that held more than ordinary significance, all with words. Strangely enough, a couple of years ago, I began having an urge to paint. I wasn’t sure what I would paint or how it would look but just as I have an odd love of writing or typing letters onto a blank page, I found myself wanting to slide color across a white canvas. I wanted to feel a brush in my hand and make the paint fill up the nothingness in front of me--like words emerging on paper--creating something that wasn’t there before. I began to wonder if all the things I had to express just might not fit into words. I wondered if I had creative ideas that might be best expressed visually.

Now that I’ve been painting for a couple of months, I see that it’s true. The primary definition of art is the quality, production, expression, or realm, according to aesthetic principles, of what is beautiful, appealing, or of more than ordinary significance. How is this so different from literature? Sure each requires different tools and techniques but the common denominator of creativity is there. So I’m asking why I should limit myself to one form of expression. But is it really art, good art, that I’m creating? What is good art anyway? Prior to a month or so ago, I’d never painted anything in my life so I wondered what right I possibly had to imagine that I could paint something meaningful. It could be junk.

In his book, The Accidental Masterpiece: On the Art of Life and Vice Versa, Michael Kimmelman, Chief Art Critic for The New York Times, says what makes art good is partly its power to proliferate as a variable memory, an intangible concept, filtered through individual consciousness. He says that art is, first of all, a physical object with which we interact in the moment. But after we have seen a work, what do we take away except a memory of it? A memory is a thought, a mental seed planted by the artist, which is reproduced in as many different variations as the number of people in whom the memory exists.

According to author of Party of One: The Loners' Manifesto, Anneli Rufus, artists hear what no one else hears. They see what no one else sees. They say what no one else says. They must. And to do this, they traffic in the slippery yield of their own souls. They bring to earth the wrack and lode of depths that only they can reach and still come back alive.

It’s not always a fun process but if something can emerge that is beautiful, authentic, and meaningful, the dive is worth it, at least for me. If I can eventually create a visual expression that not only produces a response in the moment, but that expands into a lasting memory, or at least an afterthought, I may succeed. This is, after all, exactly what I strive to do using words. At the heart, it is all about vitality, sensory input, and the unlocking of the psyche through human emotion, the link we share despite time and place and circumstance. It's the song that validates through its perfection and the movie that touches a personal or societal nerve, lingering in the mind. It’s the book that lays something significant bare, cracks it open, even if it’s simply your own heart, and perhaps it’s the painting that dives into your gut and pulls out the thing you thought you’d lost, or the thing you never knew you had.

In 1917, Marcel Duchamp challenged the art world by proclaiming a porcelain urinal as art. His bold move significantly influenced modern art. Anything is art if you think it is, whether it’s a picture hanging in the IHOP or mounted in the Metropolitan Museum of Art in New York, whether it's your child’s coloring book picture or your teenager’s photograph. The same could be said for words. Your favorite poem may be the one your husband wrote for you, or your favorite book may be the bodice ripper you read at the beach last summer. These were all created by individuals choosing to express something important to them. You’ve validated their expression by placing their work on your favorites list. And who are you? You may be my neighbor or you may be Michael Kimmelman. So if this is true, how do we know which painting will land in a gallery or museum one day. How do we know which book deserves publication or a Pulitzer? If one man’s junk is another man’s treasure, how can we stop expressing ourselves for fear that it just won’t be good enough?

I envy those who create simply for fun or economic necessity. They enjoy a hobby or industrial mentality that gives them release, relief and reward. It’s fun for me, too, but on top of the fun, I can’t seem to stop wanting what I create to be better than the best, perfect, wonderful, mind boggling, unique, and unforgettable. I can’t seem to feel the release, relief and reward as readily as I’d like. But I won’t stop reaching for it because I can’t. That’s the sort of cursed existence Anneli Rufus describes as the slippery yield of the soul.

_______________

Also check out my interview with Anneli Rufus.

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Multiple Sclerosis Mess: An Aberration Story

My illness was an opportunity to remake myself into something better ...

Despite the premise of this blog, I still wonder why the hell we have to go through such %#@*#% crap. The human condition, the human body, the mind--they all push and push until sometimes we just can't help but wallow. (I've certainly wallowed plenty.)

We also get angry. And in those moments, positive thinking infuriates us. All we want is to be heard, to be recognized for whatever the hell pain and discomfort we're facing. "Look at me!" we want to scream at the faces around us. Sometimes we do scream. And people look, but sometimes they don't. Sometimes people can't hear or see us because they're too busy developing their own scream. So what are we supposed to do?

Change!

Who cares what the change is, just pushing on is sometimes the answer. Life develops. It may be the ones who can't or won't change, the ones who get perpetually stuck, who are the biggest sad sacks of all. They may seem happy, but standing on the same spot day in, day out sounds like torture to me whether it's emotional, intellectual, or physical. Move! Find God, find yourself, stretch yourself, let your mind walk, skip, jump, run! Do something about it. I won't lie and tell you that it's easy but I do know it's possible.

This week, I've been reminded of this concept and I intend to keep moving. I will not fear change, or become stuck in what I may have thought was enough of a change the other day. We all must find our own path, but perhaps we must also find our own mode of transportation. I think I'm close to finding mine. For Chris, it was multiple sclerosis (MS) and Jesus Christ.

After being diagnosed with MS, a poor attitude cost Chris his marriage. He now hopes that others might learn from his mistakes, and avoid allowing a disability and feelings of decreasing self-worth to destroy their most precious relationships.

Why is it that some with MS do well with the disease while others do poorly?

That is something that I certainly cannot tell you. Physicians and scientists have struggled for decades to find that answer, and are just now beginning to see progress, and recognize and understand those things for which they are searching.

What I can tell you is this. There is medical proof that demonstrates how worry, stress and anxiety are damaging to the human body at the cellular level. I've learned from my own experience with chronic illness, and the roles played by worry, stress and anxiety, that worrying and stressing about the future only ensures that the future (at least the future for which you had hoped) never comes. Worrying about finances, college tuition, adequate life insurance and more--all necessary for a bright future for my family--resulted in so much turmoil and strife in my relationship that my marriage was destroyed. Life is too short. Live for today. Like the Bible says, Don't worry about tomorrow. Today has enough worries of its own.

After your marriage ended, you decided to write a book. Why?

We all have defining choices that shape our journey and ultimately, our destiny. The synergistic effect of two specific issues inspired me to begin writing my book, Life Interrupted, It's Not All About Me. The two driving issues that pressed me to begin actually putting pen to paper were initially selfishness, and the God-given physical and mental ability to do just that.

Let me explain. You see, when I started writing the book, it was my intention to help myself by clearing my name, so to speak. My divorce was bitter and my ex-wife’s lawyer embellished so much that I wanted friends and family to know the truth. That’s when God intervened and showed me that rather than writing a book for one person, myself, I could write it for millions around the world who may be undergoing a similar situation. A situation of overwhelming gloom--an inability to see the future--which is probably best explained in my article, The Gang's All Here. MSfocus Magazine published the article in 2008 (see excerpt below). The entire article can be viewed on my site.

My marriage of ten years began dissolving when the “Monster” invited his friends to live in my house. If you have MS, I’m sure you’ve met the gang. There was the kingpin, Stress, his best friend Anger and his twin, Misdirected. Of course, Feelings of Worthlessness was there and his brother Feelings of Inadequacy who brought his best friend Low Self-esteem and his sidekick Depression, who hung out with everybody’s buddies, Worry and Anxiety. As usual, Communication was a no show, but sure enough his sister Miss-communication popped in and overstayed her welcome. They never left, but my wife did.


What factors influenced the major shift in your attitude?

I recently held a discussion and book signing at the Hopkinton Public Library in Hopkinton MA. During the question-and-answer segment of our discussion, one of the participants, the only person present with MS, asked a question beginning with the statement, “I’m amazed and excited to know that after all you've been through you're now remarried. How did that happen, because as you said, you're worse physically today than during your first marriage? And, what changed, I mean what was the turning point that allowed you to move forward find happiness and get remarried?” Of course, I knew exactly what she meant, because at one time I had the very same concern. At the point that my wife, my caregiver, first wanted to divorce, I had an inner dialogue that went something like this: Okay Chris, you have what is now becoming severe MS, who’s going to want to marry someone with MS? No one is going to want to marry damaged goods.

I'm sure that I was not the first one .to ever have this inner dialogue. It’s a real fear. I met my then wife to be, Jane, through an online dating service and she was totally aware of my disability. After Jane, my wheelchair and I went on our first date, I remember asking her, "Why would anyone get involved with damaged goods? Why would anyone purchase a vase with a crack in the bottom?" Jane’s response was, “Maybe I need one to hold my dried flowers.” All she wanted was kindness and love--no anger--just kindness and love.

It helps that we both have the same goofy sense of humor. We laugh together and at one another all the time. Sure, I have slip ups, and get frustrated and angry. The difference is that I have written, re-written, read and re-read my book so many times that when I do begin to slip-up, it’s so obvious that I can’t help but catch myself. And let’s not forget, Jane has also read the book, so when I slip up she’s quick to point out, “Chris, I think you need to revisit page 52," and we have a good chuckle.

Remember life is too short. You choose whether to smile or argue. We were married a year after we first met, and life is fantastic. Jane is the most wonderful, loving and caring person that I have ever known. If I had listened to my inner dialogue, I would never have met my incredibly awesome and loving wife. So these dried flowers are happily married and loving every minute of it. Never give up.

Obviously, life would be easier for you without MS; however, do you feel that you've grown as a person and attained a greater understanding of life and others through living with MS? Can you explain?

Multiple Sclerosis changed my life for the better. The Bible says, "Before I was afflicted, I did not know Him." Back in June of 1993, one Sunday morning after being away from the church for fourteen years, I found myself in a small Christian Church in the Northeast Kingdom of Vermont where I asked Jesus Christ into my heart. Had I not been suffering with my chronic illness I don't know where I would be today. I do know that by surrendering my life to the Lord, He has carried me and provided me with the abundance with which he has promised. "

My illness was an opportunity to remake myself into something better than I was before. What steps do you take to bring abundance into your every day life? What is your practice like? Firstly, the biggest defining moment was in June of 1993 when I gave my life to Jesus Christ, my Lord and Savior. Secondly, keeping abundance in my life involves reading the Bible, praying alone, as well as together with my wife on a daily basis, and doing my best to live a loving life the way God wants. The resulting abundance is truly amazing.

Fear often shows up when you embark on the path to abundance. What fear have you overcome?

The greatest fears I have overcome were:

A. That I would never be able to meet a woman and fall in love again,
B. I was going to be alone for the rest of my life,
C. That I would have to live in a nursing home, and
D. That I would never have a purpose to my life again.

What helped you overcome these fears?

I believe God intervened and directed me to help others by writing my book with the goal of helping those in similar situations better deal with the stress put on one's relationships as a result of life being interrupted by chronic illness or disability. I believe that when I decided to write a book that would help others in similar situations avoid making the same relationship destroying mistakes that I did, God blessed me with abundance.

Look:

A. I married the most beautiful and caring woman in April 2007,
B. My wife and I have the most incredible and loving relationship,
C. We purchased the house next door to my parents who live in the house where I was raised, and
D. I am unable to work because of my disability; however, I'm busy between six and ten hours a day reaching out and ministering to those who would benefit from reading my story.

What’s your passion? How do you live your passion everyday?

It is my passion to share my book with those who are struggling and can benefit from its contents. I wake up every day with a purpose. The purpose to reach out and help those whose relationships are suffering because of chronic illness or disability in their lives. I literally made my life an open book, exposing everything good and bad (because it's not always pretty but it's real). If just one marriage or relationship is saved or benefits because of that which I have experienced, it will have been well worth it.

What are the top three things we can do for someone who has been diagnosed with MS, or a similar chronic illness?

First, the most important thing you can do (actually not do for someone who has been diagnosed with MS) is this: Since many times, especially in the case of a newly diagnosed individual, MS is often an invisible chronic illness. We need you to believe what we say is the truth. Please don't question our integrity by doubting what we are feeling. I may look fine one minute, then seemingly out of nowhere, inform you that I can't walk up a couple of stairs or feel my hands. Please understand this is not something that we are making up to get out of doing something.

Secondly, as an individual living with MS, I know how much your assistance is appreciated. There are times that I/we become weak, clumsy even visually and/or cognitively impaired as a result of MS related fatigue, and we just can't function without your help. However, there are other times that we feel well and want to do things on our own. If you wouldn't mind, please ask if we need your help rather than just jumping in and taking over. It's a self-esteem kind of thing. *Smile*

And last but not least, life is too short. So, let's try to keep things light. A sense of humor is a great thing.

As a disabled person, what important message would you like to share with others who are disabled? What would you share with those who are not?

It may seem that you've been dealt a bad hand and rightly so, but one must not develop the Poor Me Attitude, which frequently accompanies chronic illness. Becoming depressed and making everything all about you will destroy your relationships with both friends and family members.

Do you have a life motto, and if so, can you share it with us?

Take one day at a time. Worrying about the future often ensures that the future for which one hopes never happens.

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My Latest Interview

A Renaissance Woman ... Wow!

A couple of weeks ago, I participated in a book signing and writing discussion event at Borders Bookstore in Warrington, PA. During the event, I had the pleasure of meeting book blogger, Bill Bentrim. After hearing me speak about my novel, Aberrations, and the writing process, Bill invited me to be a guest on his book blog, Pick of the Literate.

I hope you'll pop over and check it out.

Bill is interested in writing books for children. He stuck his toe into the genre with his early reader, I Like to Whine. It's a great book to read with small children, or even bigger ones who like to whine. At Bill's request, I read it with my 10-year-old (who, unfortunately, can still benefit from this particular book). Here's what she had to say:

"I like to Whine is a great, awesome, funny book. I especially enjoyed it because I like to whine, and I know I shouldn't. It's very annoying. Reading this book made me realize that whining is just a waste of time. It just makes your parents mad. Peace." Sphere: Related Content