Military Life: An Aberration Story

Learning how to lead and then leading American soldiers has been the greatest privilege and honor of my life.

I was born on a naval base and was shipped off to Japan as a six-month-old. My family has a strong military history, yet as part of a downsizing in the 70's, my disappointed father was forced out of that life. I was about five-years-old at the time. His dreams of serving were cut short, and Dad went on to have a long and successful career as a high school administrator. Still, the memories and remnants of military service lingered for my brother, John, my cousins, and myself.

Have you ever wondered what military life is really like? My cousin, Army Lieutenant Colonel Jerry Hall, visited recently, so I had the opportunity to pick his brain. Despite the prospect of war, being an officer in the military sounded so attractive that I ended up trying to recruit my daughter and her boyfriend! Given today's poor job market and our global issues, if one is brave enough, it's a worthwhile and rewarding option.

With all that said, it's not easy. The one thing we all know about military careers is their potential to separate families for long periods of time. That's just one of the down sides. So who are these brave people who choose to take on separation and, in many cases, war? Why do they commit their lives to serving their country--to serving us? Are facing those built-in aberrations really worth it?

I'm sure there are a million different answers to these questions. But to get an glimpse into that world, I decided to ask Jerry to share his story. He agreed to help us understand some of the sacrifices and rewards.

You joined the military right out of high school, which shaped your life in a major way. What inspired you to take that track, and how did your recruitment play out?

Our grandfather (Air Force Colonel Felton Hall) and your father (Navy Officer Bill Hall) were major influences that inspired me to join the military, as well as what I think was a generational urge to serve. I say generational because I think a lot of us who grew up in the 70s and early 80’s did so with the legacy of the Vietnam War (or perhaps the desire to overcome the legacy of the Vietnam War) and the experience of living during the Cold War. I wanted to serve in the military from an early age as a result of all those influences.

Going back to my grandfather, one of my earliest memories I have is of him in his uniform, the insignia of his rank shining in the sun. I couldn’t have been more than a year or two old because I think this is when we still lived in Michigan; my parents have a picture of me taking a bath in the kitchen sink with a carton of milk on the counter from Selfridge Air Force Base.

Later I can remember going up in your attic with your brother, John, to check out your father’s old helmet, flight suit and ceremonial dress sword.

My “recruitment” was less a recruitment than me going to the Marine Corps Reserve recruiter between my junior and senior year of High School and enlisting! My recruiter convinced me to apply for a Marine Corps ROTC scholarship at the same, which I ended up winning and using at Texas A&M for a year.

Was the initial military training as difficult as civilians hear it is? As a young man, do you feel that it changed you or your attitudes? If so, how and why?

Because I had experienced a year in the Corps of Cadets at Texas A&M as a “fish” or freshman, which was basically sanctioned hazing, I found Army Basic Training to be a breeze. In fact, it was so easy the Drill Sergeants made me the trainee Platoon Guide, which meant I was in charge of my platoon when the Drill Sergeants weren’t around.

Military training and service dramatically changed me and my attitudes. I was always fairly intelligent and athletic. I had a lot of potential, but I did not understand how leadership is more about duty and responsibility to others than it is about your own desires. I learned to live the Army Values of Loyalty, Duty, Honor, Respect, Selfless Service, Integrity and Personal Courage while growing as a person in the military. Learning how to lead and then leading American soldiers has been the greatest privilege and honor of my life. It was also a great experience to be a part of the Army as it reinvented itself at the end of the post-Vietnam era (I enlisted in 1982 and went on active duty in 1984), won the Cold War, the First Gulf War, and then went on to become the great organization it is today.

You went on to become an officer in the Army. Can you share a little of your military experience and what you’re doing now?

Here is a summary of my officer career:

1992-1994: After the First Gulf War, I went to Officer Candidate School at Fort Benning, Georgia and was promoted from Staff Sergeant to 2nd Lieutenant. After OCS, I went to the Armor Officer Basic Course at Fort Knox, KY, then reported back to Fort Benning to be a Tank Platoon Leader (four M1 Tanks) in the Infantry Brigade stationed there. The last year, I was the executive officer for my Tank Company (three platoons of M1 tanks). This time was devoted mostly to training my platoon, then company, for combat, including many training center “rotations” to Fort Irwin in Death Valley and Fort Polk in Louisiana for mock combat.

1994-1996: For my last two years at Fort Benning, I was the Executive Officer for one of the infantry companies in the Parachute Infantry Battalion that teaches the Basic Airborne, Jumpmaster and Pathfinder courses. This was an awesome job! I have 65 parachute jumps and completed both Jumpmaster and Pathfinder Schools. I also got to go to the 1995 D-Day re-enactment, complete French airborne school, and then jump into the same Drop Zone that my battalion jumped into on D-Day. No matter what people say about the French, the ones in Normandy still love us!

1996-1998: After being promoted to Captain, I went back to Fort Knox for the Armor Advanced Course to prepare me for commanding an Armor Company or a Cavalry Troop. After graduating from the course, the Army let me go back to school to finish my BA. I got my BA in History from the nearby University of Louisville. I was lucky there was a visiting professor whose expertise was military history, so the degree was fun. Plus I was a much better student at 31 than I was at 18!

1998-2000: After finishing my degree, I went to Hurlburt Field in Destin, Florida for the Joint Firepower Control Class (learned how to call in close air support). I took my wife, Anne, with me to this class. Destin is nice! Then we moved to Colorado Springs, Colorado after begging, pleading, whining, etc. to get back to the 3rd Armored Cavalry Regiment, the same unit I was with during Desert Storm, and the premiere armor unit in the Army. Anyway, I convinced my assignments officer to send me, so I worked for a year as the Squadron (Battalion) adjutant, then took command of F Troop (Fox Troop; a cavalry troop has 128 soldiers in two Tank Platoons, two Scout Platoons, a Mortar Section and the Headquarters Platoon) and deployed it to Bosnia for peacekeeping duty in Brcko, Bosnia-Hercegovina. That was a great experience. We did a lot of good there helping Muslims and Croats move back to areas they were driven out of during the war (some Serbs too, although because my area was largely taken over by the Serbs, it was the Muslims and Croats who needed help returning).

2001-2004: After coming back from Bosnia, Anne and I took a short vacation to the Caribbean on a Windjammer cruise ship (they are actually sail boats), which was a blast. Then I went for a short six week staff officer school at Fort Leavenworth, Kansas, followed by reporting to the University of Nevada, in Reno, to be an ROTC instructor. For one year, I taught the ROTC juniors leadership, and was the operations officer for the battalion (it included UNLV). After that I became the recruiting officer and taught US military history to the cadets and the university at large. Teaching the military history course was very enjoyable, and once I have recovered from getting my Master’s degree, I’ll probably go on to get a PhD in History so I can teach again. We had our daughter, Gillian, in 2002, which was nice because I was able to go to all of Anne’s doctor’s appointments and be there when she was born--which isn’t generally the case in the Army. Oh, and I got promoted to Major in January, 2003.

2004-2007: While I was in ROTC, I came to a point in my career where I could choose to do something different than my “basic branch” of armor/cavalry. This was a hard decision, because I loved being in a combat arms branch, and loved cavalry even more, because it’s truly the tip of the spear. Anyway, after a lot of thought, and because I felt it was time to focus on family, I chose to change my career path to Simulations Operations, a very new branch. So after ROTC, I went to United States Pacific Command in Honolulu, where I was responsible for running the annual exercise that trains the entire Pacific Command’s Commander and Staff, as well as all of the service staffs (Army, Navy, Air Force, Marines). We use huge federations of simulations and simulators to put it all together, so we can simulate warfare from underwater to space.

This was a fantastic job, mostly because not only did I get to work with state- of-the-art simulations and simulators, but during the exercise I was also in the control (or umpire) group, and got to make up scenarios and, as Anne has observed, got to be the “Dungeon Master.” We also took vacations on the neighbor islands of Kauai and Hawaii (the Big Island) while we were there (the military has cabins on the beach on Kauai and in Volcanoes National Park on Hawaii). We were there for the earthquake in 2006, and the near miss by Hurricane Flossie in 2007 (no problems).

2007: So after doing simulations at Pacific Command for three years and getting joint credit (important for future promotions), I went to the Command and General Staff College at Fort Leavenworth for a year to learn more about higher level Army leadership. I started my MS in Emergency and Disaster Management while I was there. It was a nice time, the school is more relaxed that it was in the Cold War because people are deployed so much nowadays that they changed the school so it was more like a break. In addition to the basic curriculum, I earned a certification in Space Operations (mostly satellites and ballistic missile defense), and took classes on China and Chinese, because the Army was sending me right back to Hawaii to work in a missile defense unit.

2008-present: We moved right back to Hawaii after my school at Fort Leavenworth. In fact, we live right next to the house we used to live in, and Gillian goes to the same school and even has some of the same friends. I will probably stay in Hawaii for as long as I can. We really love it here. Gillian has a medical condition that requires special care, and right now the Army Hospital here in Hawaii or the Naval Hospital in Norfolk Virginia, are the best places for her, so we’ll probably stay here two-five more years ... than maybe go to Virginia. I now work in the Pacific’s missile defense command, so I do the simulations and “Dungeon Mastering” for all of the major missile defense exercises here in the Pacific, including Japan, Korea and Australia, which is why I travel so much (about six months in the last year). I was promoted to Lieutenant Colonel and finished my MS in December, 2008.

In talking with you and learning more about the military, it seems that they take care of there own in many wonderful ways. How has this changed over the years?

The military has gotten much better about taking care of families over the 25 years that I have been in. When I first came in the joke was, “If the Army wanted you to have a wife, they would have issued you one!” Now there are full-time family support specialists assigned to all units, and there are many programs and a lot of emphasis on taking care of soldiers and their families.

As expected, you've often had to leave your family for long periods of time. You've also had to participate and lead teams in combat. These are certainly aberrations of life; tough situations you've had to bear due to choices you've made. Has it been worth it?

Yes, it has been worth it, although I am glad that we had my daughter later in my career, especially now that I have switched to my new career field. Just the traveling I do for training and exercises has had an impact on her. I am in the Army and have deployed for combat and peacekeeping, but I have been amazed at the resiliency of our young soldiers and their families over the past eight years of constant war.

How to you cope with being away from your family? Do you have particular strategies for that or do you just sort of suffer through it?

Fortunately with modern technology, I can usually talk to my wife and daughter a few minutes every day on the phone or on the web. The military has “morale calls” where you can use military phones to connect to civilian lines from overseas and talk to your family for free. I also always try to bring home souvenirs and gifts from the places I visit.

How did you cope with combat? Is it something a soldier can ever get used to, or does it continue to be difficult?

I guess I was blessed with the “no stress” gene; combat did not phase me. But my combat experience was in Desert Storm, which was a very short war (only about four days of actual combat, although I was deployed for a total of seven months), so it’s hard to compare to the ongoing wars in Iraq and Afghanistan, where soldiers have to put up with combat stress every day for a year or more. The good news is that Army has also come a long way in how it deals with stress and its effects on soldiers and their families.

Has it been difficult over the years to maintain close bonds with family and friends due to your military career?

Yes, although that may be more of an excuse on my part! When I first joined there were no PCs, Internet, cell phones, etc., and international calls were expensive, so I pretty much disappeared to all but my nuclear family. Case in point is you! We hadn’t seen each other for about 25 years when I visited last month!

Who are your heroes and why?

Tough…my wife and daughter, and every military family, are definitely heroes for all they do to support my service. Also every soldier, sailor, airman, marine and coastguardsman is a hero…because they choose to serve our country and others at significant personal sacrifice. Trying to pick individual heroes is hard because I know (and knew) so many, including many who made the ultimate sacrifice.

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"Aberrations," the Song

Finally!

The song inspired by Aberrations is available on my new website. I hope you'll pop over and give it a listen.

While you're there, check out the new site. I'm working to combine my artistic and writing endeavors under one web roof. Within a few days, it will have a new domain name and become my official site.

"Aberrations," the Song: Original music and lyrics by Rhashon Hamilton.

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Slice of Suburbia, 2009: My Latest Work

My latest painting, Slice of Suburbia, 2009, is approximately 25" x 36" on multiple layers of canvas. The painting has been created on unstretched canvas. Once stretched, the borders (which extend beyond 25" x 36") could serve as the painting's edges.

With this painting, I was finally able to toss out all remaining thoughts in my head about what I'm supposed to be doing as an artist, and expressed by ideas exactly how I wanted to. I see the work as bizarre, dark, and intelligent yet feminine and childlike. Lo and behold, I think that describes me! Maybe I'm tapping into something here ... hope so. I'm still evolving. Hopefully this is an important step forward.

This piece depicts my view of a dark slice of suburbia. Hopefully your home doesn't fit into this scene. What I wonder most is: Where do we go now? How do we dig ourselves out of this societal dilemma? Sure, there are tons of serious, obvious problems in our inner cities, but the Suburbs have issues as well. Let's not kid ourselves. I, for one, have made a commitment to ensure that I never find myself living on Predictable Road or Security Lane. I hope you will as well.

For more on my art journey, check out my weekly column, "The Art Virgin," on The New York Optimist.

For more of my thoughts on the Suburbs, read Chick Lit vs. Wit Lit: The Road to Literary Revolutionary


Detail Pics (more images and explanation will be posted on my art site soon):


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Talkative Mute: An Aberration Story

... as parents, we need to let our children live as they are.

Sometimes I don't feel like talking to people. I'm usually quite the Chatty Patty at home, so when I suddenly become withdrawn, my husband usually asks me what's wrong. The truth is that many times I'm simply hit with the mood to sink completely into myself and recharge my batteries. I need a certain amount of peace and solitude. I'm an outgoing introvert. If I don't get enough solitude, I start to shut down when I'm around other people, even my family. For this reason, I've always said that my shyness is "situational."

It's weird. One day I'm the life of the party, and the next I'm standing in the corner feeling like I'm in some kind of bizarre bubble. It's literally painful. And I don't always know which it's going to be. I'm a loner at heart, yet I know how to pull out my social skills when needed. But sometimes I just don't feel like it; I can't bring myself to do it. This inconsistency has caused me trouble in the past, and has been frustrating.

Well, this is all peanuts compared to today's topic, Selective Mutism (SM).

I'd never heard of SM until last summer when a student wrote an essay for me on her aberration, which was SM. My guest today, Ivy, came across the student essay while researching SM, and contacted me. Her teenage daughter also has SM. Ivy wanted to share her story as a way to reach out to others who are faced with SM. It's a poorly understood diagnosis that has not only become her daughter's aberration, but also her own.

Your daughter has Selective Mutism (SM). Many people are likely unfamiliar with SM. Can you tell us what it is and how it presents itself?

SM is when a child is suffering from anxiety so extreme they become "unable" to speak in social settings (e.g., school, party, church, ordering off the menu or something we feel is simple as in greeting a new person, etc.). The key word to remember is "unable." Yet when at home around their siblings or parents, you may want to say, "Calm down, stop yelling, be quite!" like anyone else.

I can't tell you how it presents itself in other cases, as I can only speak for my daughter. It may be different with everyone else, but I can share my story and how it happened to present itself to us back in 1999.

My daughter was always so full of light and energy. She was always so talkative at home with me, my husband at the time, her older sister, one of the neighbors kids (her age) and her uncles, aunt, and grandparents on her dad's side. She would not say much and was more quiet around my side of the family, I thought she was "just shy" not seeing them often. The one thing I did notice, but did not really pay attention to, is she was clingy towards me. If she heard people yell, she would cover her ears and start shaking, closing her eyes and bowing her head down crying. she also would tend to point if she wanted something at times.

We felt she was just shy, until 1999, when she started public school. The first day she was full of excitement; she was going to be like her big sister, loving and chatting the entire drive over. I walk her in the class, kiss her and say "see ya later honey, I'm so proud of you." I head out the door and that is when it happened....the start.

I hear screaming as if someone was just hurt. "MOMMY, MOMMY, Mommy." I turn. It was my little girl crying through people to get to me. I ran over. She could barely breath shaking and crying. It brought me to tears. The nurse came over and took us to her office trying to calm the situation, and of course, the scene that was made in the hallway. I ended up taking her home and as we continued to try again. I basically sat in the class every single day inching out a little bit at a time until I finally made it out of the class room (patience is key to dealing with SM).

Still she never spoke. The entire year went like that. My heart would break because she would come home with wet clothes because she could not ask to go to bathroom, I've overheard other kids whisper "Oh, that girl over there, she doesn't talk." If they had a substitute come in and they tried to get her to speak, the class would say, "SHE DOESN'T TALK." The neighbor's daughter was in her class, so toward the middle of the school year, she would whisper to her as a way to answer people. It was her crutch.

The next year, It wasn't as bad to start. She still did not talk. I was brought in because the school wanted to officially evaluate her. I approved the evaluation to take place. They continued to try with her through the school year, and then finally I was asked to come in for a meeting again. That was it. I was "advised" that for the best interest of my daughter, she should be taken out of public school and sent to a school for Autistic children. Then the school explained how they are unable to access her, they don't know if she can read, write, let alone talk. I went into such a mood, I explained how she is fine, she reads better than her older sister did, we can't shut her up at home, etc... They said they had no other choice, basically she has a form of autism.

I cried and cried and cried. Clearly I thought these people are crazy. She is fine. I knew she wasn't fine, but I also knew it wasn't autistic. Come on, I see her at home all the time. A week or
so goes by and I'm watching 20/20. I look up and something catches my eye, so I turn up the volume and listen intently as I began to cry and shake. My older daughter says "Whats wrong mommy?" "Why are you crying?" I said: "That's it, that is your sister! Selective mutism!" A story ran on Selective mutism and the girl was showing every bit of my daughter. I knew it. I decided to take her to a therapist and thankfully because I saw 20/20, I was able to ask for someone familiar with SM. I found one and sure enough, my daughter was diagnosed with SM! Not autism, SM. We had also discovered that her dad suffers from SM as well, but has never been treated and he rejects SM, even to this day. Which explains so very much.

SIDE NOTE: If SM goes untreated, the person can turn to drugs and alcohol as a way to be able to come out and express themselves.

The psychiatrist then prescribed Ritalin in a small dose. She would not take it, therefore I put it in her oatmeal. She knew it tasted weird, but didn't figure it out that I was putting it in her food. It worked, she started coming out of her shell. However, I read info on Ritalin and I was scared about having her take it too long. Besides, her dad nor I had the money at the time or insurance to continue to go to this psychiatrist. So we thought it was over and she was getting better.

BIG MISTAKE! I basically had to try and deal with SM and everything on my own. I had no support as a single mom. It's been a crazy roller coaster.

Having support from your family is extremely important. If you don't have that, there are support groups. Although the SM children are suffering, we are suffering as well because we so want to help and we can't. We get frustrated and just want to SHAKE them to speak.

Throughout the years, here are some difficulties I've had:

1) Giving her shower/baths (she did not like help, was difficult for her to get comfortable). I always had to talk to her and say we are all the same, etc.
2) When buying clothes and asking her to try something on, she would not come out to show me. She would just say no or ok. As a parent we want to make sure it fits appropriately.
3) She never asks for anything. If I said "Do you want this? "She would bow down and say nothing.
4) When she came home from school if we asked her how was her day she would almost cower-like and not respond or say huh.
5) Never participated/raised hand in school.
6) Oh! I almost forgot, compulsive disorder also came with SM! She would measure her socks and shoe laces, if they were not even she would scream in tears until I fixed it and she measured it.
7) Wet herself because she would not ask to go to bathroom.
8) Never look at faces, even when she draws, she does not draw a face.
9) Cower if someone said hello.
10) Can only deal with one friend at a time.
11) Picks nails.
12) Refuses to go to doctors of any kind
13) I never knew when she had her first period. I still never know when she has it. I make sure I have pad/tampons etc.
14) She refuses to be labeled or accept SM.
15) She does not attend parties, social functions. If she does she sits and never says anything or moves.

Out of nowhere:

1)She performed in school talent show solo (I cried in disbelief)
2) Became a cheerleader
3) Played HS football (only girl and was an actual player) (110lbs soaking wet)
4) Loves being around children and animals

How did you initially help your daughter once you understood the issue? Has that changed over time, and how?

I wish I can help my daughter today. I tried the best I could early on as stated above, but now she needs to accept it. She needs therapy. I suggested that she could be of help to kids dealing with SM. Through her creative skills she can impact many. I put the material in her face to just read about it. She ignores it. She basically "shuts down" at any type of confrontation. Whether bad or good, she cannot respond or make a clear decision. What do you want to eat? Silence, look down, whisper "I don't know." It is the same response for any and all confrontational questions. She can not even accept a compliment as it seems confrontational.

I recently decided to start a support group in my area. I do try and speak to the teachers, because many do not seem to read the section of the report explaining she had been diagnosed with SM.

How has her SM impacted the family? As your daughter grew up, did her SM change or shift in any way, or has it remained constant?

We are now a blended family consisting of my husband and five daughters. The strangest thing is the dynamic between us all. I had given my husband the heads up about my daughter and since the very first day, she showed no sign. Of course everyone thought I was crazy. They did not see anything that I described. She instantly bonded with everyone. It was great.

But as our family continued on, although we are all very very close, the signs come out. How did the additions handle it? Proudly I say ... very patiently. They don't push, it is the worst thing to do as they (those with SM) tend to shut down more if you do. One of our daughters is doing her college paper on SM.

My husband, however, has been having the hardest time as of late. When discussing colleges, she shuts down, starts to cry. The dialogue is normally "We are so proud of you, where you want to go? Let's plan it out." "What needs to get done?" She will look away, look down, pick nails and then we ask "What's wrong? Why do you look like your going to cry?" She shuts down and cries.

She also appears to dumb herself down when someone, anyone, asks her a question. Even though she hears the question she says "Huh, what, huh???" It is simply avoidance.

What are the top three signs that a child may have SM?

1) Extreme shyness in any new environment which does not allow them to speak
2) Shows NO emotion
3) "shuts down" and freezes

Life is full of surprises. What has raising a child who has SM taught you about parenting, life, or yourself?

I learned that, as parents, we need to let our children live as they are. We need to let them take their time with their own issues, not to push or expect anything more then they can give. We cannot control everything or continuously do for them. We must let them fall while we are available to be there for them. Some day we won't be there and then what? But most of all, PATIENCE. I, by far, am the least patient person in the world, yet dealing with SM, I continue to learn and work on patience.

The biggest thing is that it is not always about me or me being the salvation for my children and it does not mean they don't love us.

Every person is unique and has so much to offer the world. What do you see in your daughter that is unique and wonderful?

My daughter is a beautiful soul with the biggest heart for others, particularly children and animals. She is extremely talented and creative in writing, film production, and music (self taught in piano, guitar). What others think or say or have does not matter to her. Although she is very beautiful, she has no clue. What she does have is a pure genuine, old soul.

_The light and dark of my daughter today_

At the age of 17, she continues to not show emotion. When she hugs, it seems extremely awkward for her to do and lacks the affection she used to show. She continues to not participate in school. Her activities continue to be in the creative/artistic field (non-confrontational). She still has same three friends from elementary school. She stays home if it's just her and one friend maximum, possibly two friends if they are going to Starbucks, a movie, or the bookstore (all places that are quiet). The only time she is loud and full of life is when she is with her sisters at a tailgate event or if the one sister closest in age is with her. You see a difference in her as if there was a bright light on her.

Most recently, I questioned myself thinking maybe she is better, maybe she doesn't have SM. When we went to see her college of choice (very small college, smaller than her HS), where her sister goes (safety), she was so excited on the ride out. She spoke all about it. When we arrived her sister met us with her two friends. My daughter shut down completely. I never saw that around her sister. She kept her head down, would not take a picture, would not speak, hands in pocket or simply picked on her nails. When I would ask her something, she could not answer or would say "Huh?".

When we all went for pizza, she whispered what she wanted so low that one of the girls repeated for her. My husband and I decided to walk behind the girls to observe their interaction and we saw her walking behind alone with her head down, hands in pocket. One of the girls said, "Come on!" and hugged her back up front with them (she uneasily walks pulling away from the girl, never taking her hands out of her pockets or talking.

In closing, I need to say as days and years go by, I continue to learn and face new obstacles about SM. I recommend that people who think they could be dealing with SM in their families do your research! The Selective Mutism Group has a great website with tons of information.

For more on:

Selective Mutism
Being a Loner
Autism, here and here. Sphere: Related Content

Aberrations, Metallica, MTV, and Christopher Walken

What does Aberrations have in common with Metallic? They're both featured in the December issue of Print Magazine. Greenleaf Book Group, the publisher of Aberrations, has won a spot in Print Magazine's 2009 Regional Design Award for their amazing book cover created by Sheila Parr. Aberrations joins the ranks of high profile winners such as:

Newsweek (cover)
Metallic (Album package for Death Magnetic)
MTV (Graphics for Rock the Cradle)
Starbucks (Packaging)
Wanted (DVD packaging)
Vampire Weekend (Posters)
Marilyn Manson (Poster)
Michael Chabon (Book cover for Maps & Legends)
Christopher Walken (Book cover for Christopher Walken A to Z)

Print is a bimonthly magazine about visual culture and design. Founded in 1940 by William Edwin Rudge, Print is dedicated to showcasing the extraordinary in design on and off the page. Covering a field as broad as communication itself—publication and book design, animation and motion graphics, corporate branding and rock posters, exhibitions and street art—Print covers commercial, social, and environmental design from every angle. Engagingly written by cultural reporters and critics who look at design in its social, political, and historical contexts, Print explores why our world looks the way it looks, and why the way it looks matters.

Aberrations is a winner for the US Southwest region where Greenleaf Book Group is located. Winners for the region were chosen by Christopher Silas Neal, a Brooklyn-based illustrator and designer whose work has been recognized by Print, Communication Arts, American Illustration, the AIGA, the Society of Illustrators, and the Society of Publication Designers. He illustrates the New York Times column "Modern Love" and teaches illustration at Pratt Institute.

According to Mr. Neal, "It's not necessarily the type of industry that elicits good design--it's the personality of the client and the relationship between the designer and the client that produces something exceptional." I'd like to think that was the case for Aberrations. As the client, I was able to brainstorm with Sheila, and contribute my own vision and personality to the cover. Her ability to transform that creatively, while keeping true to the novel's story, was amazing.

According to Print, "For many Print readers who give us feedback about the annual, the issue is a yearly treat, a chance to eyeball the competition, to steal, ah, riff on ideas, and to get an instant impression of the design zeitgeist of the entire nation."

Aberrations may not be on the New York Times Bestseller List, but reviews are great and the cover has risen through the ranks of many thousands of other designs to true distinction according to Print and a New York Times illustrator.
I love it!

To read more about the Aberrations cover, go here.

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Miscarriage: An Aberration Story

... we can not take a child's life for granted.

Norman Lear said, "To sit around and puzzle, 'What is my destiny?' is to go slowly insane." I don't know why we're all here but I do know that we're blessed--blessed to experience the gift of life. Even when life sucks, it's all good because it's happening. Ask anyone who's lost a loved one. Ask someone who's dying.

Like George Bailey (It's a Wonderful Life) maybe you think your life generally stinks. Maybe at times you feel under-appreciated, that you've lost opportunities, that you've not touched enough lives in a positive way. I'll admit that I feel that way sometimes, especially the older I get. I see time running out. I look back and think of all the things I could and should have done, all the people I've hurt, and all the ignorant mistakes I've made. I wish I could have a do-over. Sometimes I grieve over all that and wonder why I'm here at all.

But then I remember the incredible odds I beat just to show up in this crazy world. A cool site called, All About Life's Challenges says miscarriage statistics can be dramatic. Miscarriage reportedly occurs in 20 percent of all pregnancies. However, according to some sources, this may be an inaccurate number. Many women, before realizing a life has begun forming within them, may miscarry without knowing it-assuming their miscarriage is merely a heavier period. Therefore, the miscarriage rate may be closer to 40 or 50 percent. Of the number of women who miscarry, 20 percent will suffer recurring miscarriages.

Perhaps due to these statistics, it seems that our society has become immune to the grief and trauma that can be associated with miscarriage. But if you sit back and think about not only the women who suffer through them, but also the odds of any of us actually getting our feet on the ground, it's sobering. We can't always stop nature but we can certainly better appreciate our own gift of life.

This is how Diana has come to view the lives of her three children, as well as her own. Despite the painful journey she and her husband navigated through to build their family, she continues to count her blessings everyday. Like George Bailey, she appreciates what Clarence meant when he said, "Strange, isn't it? Each man's life touches so many other lives. When he isn't around he leaves an awful hole, doesn't he?"

After all, our destiny lies in a million little things. Norman Lear also said, "Ninety-nine and 44/100 percent of everybody are not devising the new surgical procedure, are not designing the car, are not becoming Senator or President or going to the moon. The rest of them must be involved in understanding that success is a collection of their minutes, the totality of their lives. It is no good even if one does become the doctor, devises the operation, if the minutes that preceded it were miserable. There's a candidate for a high window and a big fall."

Diana's story will remind you to be thankful for simply having the chance to show up and hang your hat. The rest is icing on the cake.

You have three beautiful daughters; however, you also have a couple of difficult pregnancies that resulted in miscarriage. Can you tell us what happened?

After trying for not such a long time, I found myself pregnant with my first child. It was great because one of my dear friends was also pregnant with her first, and we were due within a couple of weeks apart. I was working at an insurance company and there were a number of other women pregnant at the same time. I was roughly 28 or 29 years old at the time. Unfortunately, at that time, my father was having chest pains, and was diagnosed with blockage in his arteries. He needed to have a multiple bypass operation and at that time, I was around five months pregnant. So, on Valentine's Day, 1998, he was scheduled for his operation. Ironic that his heart would be repaired on Valentine's Day.

My husband wanted me to relax and go out with our other couple friends for dinner. Of course, how could I concentrate when I wasn't sure my Daddy would survive the surgery? I remember my mother and sister telling me to go to dinner. It would be our last Valentine's Day without kids. I reluctantly went. Long story, short, my father is also a church pastor. So, I returned the next day to find that my Dad was allowed to have well over 40 visitors the day after his surgery! I was extremely upset, and expressed that sentiment to every hospital worker who would listen. He recovered from surgery with flying colors, but my extreme concern remained.

I remember going to work one day, not long after, and a colleague asked me if I felt that new feeling in my belly, fluttering. I told her no, but thought nothing of it. But, I do remember her facial expression. One of those expressions that says something's not right, but she wasn't about to be the bearer of that news. Is still thought nothing of it. I was having my first ultrasound in less than a week. Fast-forward to my ultrasound. I laid down, gel was put on my belly, the technician began. I had the look of anticipation. I couldn't wait to hear the details. She said, "I'll be right back." I asked if everything was OK. She just said she needed to talk to the doctor. The doctor appeared, and I will never, ever forget what he looks like. He came straight to me, introduced himself, and said, "We're getting an abnormal result from your ultrasound. If you have any questions, your doctor will be hear to answer your questions." And he turned around and walked out of the room, while I screamed, "What's wrong with my baby?!??!". No answer.

A doctor in my OB/GYN's practice appeared to say that my baby was not alive, and had probably been dead for a few days. I had to come back the next day to deliver the baby. I asked to be put under total anesthesia, which of course, they wouldn't do, so they just heavily sedated me after inducing me at five and a half months. The sedation wore off, and then, to my horror, I delivered my baby alone in a hospital room while screaming bloody murder. I will never ever forget every detail of that day.

I can't image losing a pregnancy. Can you share with us what type of emotional and physical toll the loses took on you?

More sadly than anything, as I am a born-again Christian, I was so angry at God. I stopped going to Church and stopped accepting phone calls to "pray with me". My OB/GYN advised me to take my eight weeks of maternity leave from Church, and I did. I was a total wreck, and I didn't think I would ever recover. I moved out of my husband and my home, and moved back in with my parents. My husband and I really were not speaking much. I am not sure if I was in clinical depression, but I sure felt like it. I couldn't function properly, and I couldn't even stand the sound of babies crying.

How did you cope? After the first issue, was it difficult to have faith in the subsequent pregnancy?

After much prayer, the kind that I initially rejected, I was able to get back to being myself. I was back to work and church. Within three months, I was pregnant again. I was told that my first baby had medical issues and would not have had a productive life had she survived. My husband and I chose not to see the baby at all. To this day, I have no idea what she looked like. I suppose I will see her in heaven some day. Unfortunately, I loss that baby too. And yes, after that, it was nearly impossible to function normally while pregnant. During each subsequent pregnancy, I had anxiety issues. Although I ended up with three beautiful daughters, I had two more miscarriages, bringing the total to four losses.

This happens to quite a lot of women, and sometimes people tend to brush it off as a "frequent" experience. Did you get this reaction from anyone and if so, how did that make you feel?

Yes, I don't think people know what to say. Sometimes, they should say nothing, and just, "I'm thinking about you" or "You are in my prayers". Instead, I heard a lot of, "At least you can get pregnant". "God was weeding out the abnormal babies." "Christians should have faith it will be OK." You also heard the "That's terrible, but listen what happened to someone I know". Of course there were countless women who said that oh, this happens so frequently, as if your occurrence is not unique or noteworthy.

When you lost your babies, what was the most comforting thing people said to you or did for you?

I really was hard-pressed to find any comforting words outside of the nurses in the maternity ward at the hospital. So many of them had similar occurrences, and they were the most amazing angels during my difficult times. Additionally, my current OB/GYN, who is now one of my dearest friends, treated me like a sister during my losses, and stood by my side for all my traumas. I will never, ever be able to thank her for the love she showed towards me. To this day, I am not allowed to call her by her credentials, but must address her by her first name. No matter how angry I was, or how hurt I was, I found comfort in "I will pray for you" (I just didn't necessarily want them to pray with me).

How did the loss affect your husband? Every relationship is different but did this bring you closer together or was if difficult to connect over it? Did he fully understand?

What I learned about miscarriages and men was key. My husband blamed me, because of the attention that I was paying to my father's health. I don't think I will ever forget that, even if I have gotten past it. The other thing I learned was this: everyone asked me how I was doing, and would ask him how I was doing. No one asked him how he was making out. That was hurtful to him, and once I found out, I was sorrowful that I had not paid more attention to him. I was so self-focused because it was my body and my experience. My husband had also told me that he would not have adopted, so I would have hoped that he would have changed his mind, because there are so many other children who do not know the joys of having a loving parent.

Do you still think about the children that could have been? Do you think it's normal for women to remember and still think about it years later, or do you think it should be easier to put it out of mind as you build your family?

Every July 28th, I think of the child I lost. I won't ever forget. In comparison, speaking only for myself, that loss was far more traumatic than the other three losses that occurred when I was I was anywhere from 8-12 weeks pregnant. I will never put the experience out of my mind because I believe so wholeheartedly that God helped me become a much stronger woman. I have so much more faith in God knowing that He watched over me when I was too upset to watch over myself, and that His plan is not necessarily my plan, but it's still the perfect plan.

Do you think there are misconceptions about how women feel after losing a baby? If so, can you explain?

There should be no misconceptions about how women feel after losing a baby because each woman is different. Going through what I went through was difficult for me, but I would NEVER say, "I know how you feel because that happened to me". I always say, "I can understand some of the things you are saying because my experience was similar." It was hell what I went through, but then I can't imagine what I would do if I had been 9 months pregnant or if the child died after birth. I kept trying to get pregnant because I knew I wanted at least one child and then wanted her to have a sibling; that was my choice. I know others who never tried again, and that's understandable, too. Again, I would suggest people talking to a counselor to find the right things to say to a couple who experiences this. I would also suggest people going to a grief counselor if they find that they can not get past this experience.

There are all kinds of tragic experiences in life. We all must face them. Many times we can take something positive away from it. Did you learn anything as a person, wife, or mother from having had unsuccessful pregnancies?

I learned that we can not take a child's life for granted. It is so precious. I am so blessed to have family/friends who care, and good health care to get me through the medical care I needed. I also learned that God puts people in your path for whatever reason, and those relationships should be treasured as well.

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A Silver Lining

"Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, ambition inspired, and success achieved."
--Helen Keller

At a time when struggling, losing jobs, and dipping into savings seems the new norm, many individuals are managing to find silver linings amidst dark times.

For a little inspiration from the suburbs of Philadelphia (including my story), pop over to phillyburbs.com.

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A Picture Thought ...

“Never say there is nothing beautiful in the world anymore. There is always something to make you wonder in the shape of a tree, the trembling of a leaf.” -- Albert Schweitzer Sphere: Related Content

Truth: My Latest Work

I just completed the 84 x 36 inch acrylic work shown below. The piece took approximately 150 hours over four weeks, and lots of canvas and glue to complete. More pics will be posted to my art site within a day or two. You'll also find additional commentary on the work there.

If you haven't yet, please check out my new column on The Art Virgin, which runs weekly on The New York Optimist. The column running November 14th - 19th addresses my work on this particular piece. (Note: the column mentions that I started work on this piece last week. This is due to a delay in the column's publication.)

Not sure what I'll tackle next but I'm sure it will be interesting ...





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Aberrations: The Novel

If there is a specific moment in which the relationship between parent and child changes, in which it crosses from love due to admiration to love born of pity, it was that moment in which we floated. I feared the thing he’d tell me next. I was beginning to understand that perhaps there were secrets I didn’t want to know.

- Excerpt from Aberrations

With the holiday season on the way, I'd like remind everyone to consider either adding Aberrations to your gift or giving list.

Aberrations is the novel that inspired Aberration Nation.

Small Press Bookwatch says Aberrations is ... deftly written ... very edgy ... engaging ... insightful ... and fascinating! 5 Stars!

Aberrations is a novel filled with gorgeous imagery, quirky characters and deep storytelling. It will stay with you long after you turn the final page! Melissa Walker, Journalist and Acclaimed YA Author

"A marvelous and unique coming of age story, Penelope Przekop's Aberrations is the story of Angel Duet as she discovers who she is and how she can find the missing pieces of herself. It is a book about discovering who you are to yourself, and not what others want you to be, about accepting all the bits that make you who you are and about finding unconditional love, even if it isn't necessarily where you thought it would come from." 5 Stars! - from my bookshelf...

Detroit Metro Times says, "Never was a title so apt in correlation to a novel's theme than Penelope Przekop's debut Aberrations ... heavy stuff ..."

A book blogger top 10 of 2008!

Recognized in PRINT Magazine's Regional Design Annual 2009 issue for outstanding cover art.

To read an Aberrations synopsis, go here.

To purchase Aberrations on Amazon, go here. Sphere: Related Content

Body Loathing: An Aberration Story

Beauty is a socially-constructed phenomenon.

I hate to say it but ... I think about my body a lot. I try not to focus on it too much but it's like a screeching monkey on my back. The relationship between me and my 5 foot 9 inch body has seen many stages. It's basically been a love-hate relationship.

Sound familiar?

My closet is filled with clothes spanning four sizes. I never weigh myself anymore; I simply evaluate the situation based on which size fits at the moment. I try to eat healthy, and usually stick to that. However, occasionally I get fixated on a particular food and can't stop eating it. Lately it's been Jalapeno Doritos. I don't like to cook, partially because I've always known that if I cook, I'll eat more. I've always seen food as a sort of enemy. Why would I create or give life, more power, to my enemy?

When I was about eighteen, I took diet pills and starved myself until my heart rate became so erratic that I had to see a heart specialist. I was embarrassed to tell the doctor that I was (essentially) overdosing on diet pills. He couldn't thoroughly evaluate the issue. What a mess! I was tall, thin as a rail, and working as a runway model. Was I happy?

Absolutely not.

So you see, body image is a topic that resonates with me. I'm guessing it's also important to you. I've written about Lizzie Miller, the normal young woman Glamour deemed beautiful, and have interviewed Marya Hornbacher about her intense struggle with eating disorders. Now meet Sarah Maria. Sarah is a body-image expert who helps people love their bodies no matter how they look. She shows people how to discover the beauty that is already inside of them, right now, in this moment.

Sarah's book, Love Your Body, Love Your Life, evolved from her 14 year struggle to find peace, happiness, and success by ‘controlling’ her body. She accepted that common, pervasive, and deadly poisonous cultural myth: If I am thin, then I am beautiful … I am worthwhile … I am successful, accomplished, and lovable. She made her self-worth, self-image, and all hope of ever being happy, entirely dependent on ‘external factors’ – primarily, trying to live up to an unrealistic, and ultimately unattainable, set of media-imposed standards for how she should look.

Unfortunately ... I can relate.

You have a passion for helping people accept themselves as they are. Why is this important to you?

I have a passion for helping people accept themselves as they are because I know what can happen when a person realizes that they are already perfect exactly as they are. Conversely, I know what happens when people do not accept themselves and instead live at war with their bodies and themselves. When people do not accept themselves, when they have conflict within themselves about themselves, there is pain and suffering. People live in a psychological prison, unable to create what they want, unable to move in the direction they want to go. On the other hand, when people learn to accept themselves, as they discover that they are already perfect, they can live with an unshakable peace and confidence. They can more easily and effortlessly create what they desire in life, whatever that may be. Accepting yourself totally and completely is the only sane way to live and yields benefits in every area of life. I know what is possible; I know the magic and beauty that is available to people, and it is my passion to help people break free and claim the life of their dreams.

You're obviously an intelligent woman. You graduated from high school early due to skipping grades and then received your first degree at 20 years old. Why is it that even the most intelligent women can't seem to accept that womanly worth should not be based on outward appearance? Can you explain why this happened to you?

This is a great question, and thank you for asking it. In my experience, “intelligence” is a somewhat vague term that often produces confusion. There are many different types of intelligence – academic intelligence, emotional intelligence, kinaesthetic intelligence, etc. There is often no correlation between the different types of intelligence. This is to say that someone might have an incredibly high IQ but little to no emotional intelligence. This is why you can always find brilliant people who do “stupid” things. In my case, academic intelligence did not help me avoid being brainwashed by predominant cultural beliefs about beauty. In fact, my academic intelligence might have aided in the brainwashing. My deepest desire was to be loved, approved of, successful, etc. Since I was academically gifted, I continued to excel in academics and receive approval, without addressing the core emotional and psychological issues that were motivating my behaviour. In my experience, human beings have underlying patterns that drive their behaviours throughout life. These psychological and emotional patterns dictate beliefs, attitudes, and behaviours much more than IQ level. This is why the most important form of intelligence is always self-knowledge. It is when you learn to look inside and discover yourself that you can free yourself from any negative patterns that are keeping you trapped and perpetuating your suffering.

What made you decide to write Love Your Body, Love Your Life? You have gone through your own struggles with body-loathing. What did you learn? And what tips can you share with others undergoing the same struggle?

I decided to write this book because I experienced first-hand the intense pain, suffering, and agony that can accompany Negative Body Obsession, eating disorders, and low self-esteem. I also know that freedom from this hell is completely possible. I want this book to reach people who are struggling with any and all of the above. I also wrote this book to help people think critically about concepts such as beauty, as well as the beliefs, thoughts, and ideas that so many people take for granted.

Beauty is a socially-constructed phenomenon. Different body types, different looks, different sizes are considered beautiful at different times in history. In the eighteenth and nineteenth centuries, curvy and voluptuous was considered stunning. In this culture in this century, thin and muscularly toned is considered sexy. When people recognize that there is no inherent truth in these concepts of beauty, that it is in fact a cultural preference that changes overtime, it helps to dissolve this illusion that how they look is somehow tied to their value and self-worth as an individual. For many people struggling with a negative body image, they believe that how they look is somehow indicative of, or related to, their self-worth as individuals. Nothing could be further from the truth.

When people realize that it is a cultural phenomenon, they can begin to free themselves from the whims and preferences of other people and the world around them, and instead discover and experience their own inherent and unique beauty.

In terms of tips, I would recommend the five steps that I outline in Love Your Body, Love Your Life.

First step: Set an intention to learn how to love your body. You might have no idea how to make this happen, simply set the intention to see your body and yourself as inherently perfect and lovable.

Step Two: Identify and Detach from Negative Thoughts. Become aware of what you are thinking and learn techniques for disconnecting from your negative body thoughts.

Step Three: Discover who You really Are. Discover the truth that you are already perfect, have always been, and will always be. Come to know that part of yourself that is beyond the thoughts you think and the sensations you experience.

Step Four: Befriend your Body. Most people have an adversarial relationship with their bodies. Your body is the very best friend you will ever have. Learn how to relate to your body as a friend instead of foe.

Step Five: Live Your Purpose. Everyone is here for purpose and on purpose. When you learn to live this purpose in every moment of your life, you will transform you life from one of pain and struggle to one of joy and energy.

Sometimes women who appear to "have it all" are miserable while other women seems comfortable with themselves and their lives. Why is that?

There are many reasons for this and it is impossible to make a blanket statement, since every person is unique. What I can say is that “external” signs of accomplishment or “having it all”, such as money, friends, family, health, “beauty”, can have absolutely no correlation to how people feel about themselves and their lives. Everyone has their own story, their own way patterns, their own way of relating the world. When you look at someone else, it can seem like they have everything, yet they are miserable. There simply is no correlation between what you as an observer thinks someone has and what in fact is going on inside their reality.

Body-loathing seems to be rampant, especially in young girls and women. Why is this happening? Is it all the fault of the media and fashion industry?

This is an important question and one that I talk about at length in the book, so I will be brief here. No, it is not all the fault of the media and fashion industry, although this certainly plays a role. The real reason, the underlying reason, is the delusional thought-pattern that says we are not good enough the way we are. Whether the belief is about your body size, your bank account, your lack of love, whatever it is, there is the underlying belief that we are somehow lacking something, that we are not quite good enough, that we would be better if and when we change something about ourselves. This whole thought process is what creates and perpetuates the problem. This belief system is what causes people to look at fashion magazines, models, etc. and then think that they somehow would be better, that they would be more beautiful if they looked that way instead of the way they look, if only they had that body instead of the body they have. This is utter nonsense. It is this fundamental belief and experience of not being good enough that creates the body-loathing and all manner of pain and suffering.

Someone recently pointed out to me that human bodies are like snowflakes. No two are the same; they are exquisitely unique. Why do we see the unique qualities of snowflakes as beautiful and the unique qualities of the human body as flaws? We've not decided there is a perfect snowflake and all others are flawed. This seems too basic, but is it because we must cover our bodies and therefore, we all need to fit into the same clothing sizes?

Great question! The reason we see the unique qualities of the human body as flaws is because of mental conditioning. The problem truly is with our eyes, not with our bodies. The body is inherently perfect. It is the human mind that creates the problems. I love your analogy of the snow flake. In Love Your Body, Love Your Life, I use the analogy of flowers. Can you imagine a rose looking at a tulip and lamenting its existence because it was not as beautiful as a tulip? This would be ludicrous, yet it is exactly what we do as human beings. We lament our perfection because we do not look like someone else. This is ridiculous and tragic.

Simply set right your idea of yourself. You were born perfect, whole, and complete, and you will remain that way forever. If you cannot see this, figure out what you need to do to heal your mind and purify your eyes so that you can see clearly.

What do you think of the recent Lizzie Miller body image craze? I wrote about Lizzie Miller on Aberration Nation before her photos became a big deal, so I'm happy Glamour paid attention to the eventual outcry. I hope we'll see lasting effects in the fashion industry, but am not sure that will happen. Your thoughts on this?

I think it is great that Glamour has been willing to have more inclusive photos. I know Glamour went on to have a photo shoot with a number of plus-size models. I also think it is great that women were so excited about seeing a different type of body in the magazine. However, there is still very much a bias to young. I think Lizzie Miller is in her early twenties, if I am recalling correctly, and the oldest model in their photo shoot was 35. I think developing an inclusive standard of beauty requires much more than what has been done. Yet this is a beginning and it certainly a step in the right direction. Ultimately it will require women to continue to speak out and support those magazines and companies that promote women’s natural beauty. If women will buy magazines with photos of real women, magazines will be much more willing to showcase them. Same is true for fashion, etc. There is a great deal of power in consumer opinion.

Now that you've written a book about body image and are helping others to accept themselves, do you still have days when doubts about your own body creep up? What do you say to yourself when that happens?

This is an interesting and important question. I would say that generally, no, I do not have doubts about my own body. I generally live with a sense of peace about my body and do not worry about it much either way. It is what it is and it is perfect as it is. That being said, occasionally I might notice what I call a Negative Body Thought. For example, when I go clothes shopping, an activity I truly dislike and always have, I might notice a negative body thought creep in as I stand in front of the mirror under fluorescent lights. If a negative body thought shows up in my mind, I simply disregard it and let it go. It has become a so much of a habit that I simply do not pay attention to it. I know the truth of the matter, and the thought does not have any influence over me. That being said, it took me a while to get to this place of effortlessness. When I first started, I needed to be much more pro-active in talking back to negative body thoughts and claiming my freedom. Now it is very habitual and I do not need to think about it. As soon as a negative body thought arises, I counter with another thought or simply disregard it and move on. So at first it can seem very difficult to find freedom from these thoughts, but with time it becomes habitual, just like riding a bike.

Do you have a personal life motto that you can share with us?

Most certainly. I have two mottos that are very much related and that guide my life constantly. They come from the great Indian sage Sri Nisargadatta Maharaj.

The first one is: “You are perfect, only you don’t know it. Learn to know yourself and you will discover wonders. All you need is already within you, only you must approach yourself with reverence and love. Self-condemnation and self-distrust are grievous errors…Make love of yourself perfect. Deny yourself nothing – give yourself infinity and eternity and discover that you do not need them; you are beyond.”

The other motto that I always hold in my heart is “You are love longing for the love-worthy, the perfectly lovable. Find it within and your search will be over.”

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Midlife Wife: An Aberration Story

They say what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.

Here's a topic I (unfortunately) know a thing or two about: midlife. Why is it that we spend so much time urging our kids to make good choices, work hard and smart, study, be careful, etc.? Well, of course, it's because we know how quickly the years pass. There's only a short time to achieve success, to set the stage, and pick a road ... or so we were told. Instead maybe, just maybe, we should tell them to deal with their issues, go after their dreams, don't give up ... There are certain things that get lost in the shuffle after awhile. Maybe we should worn them about that.

Sure, it's never too late but life has a way of crowding around us, narrowing our opportunities, fresh starts, and do-overs. Some wake up one morning with the frightening thought that life is half over when just yesterday there were 15 candles on the cake. How did that happen?

It's one of those WTF moments. You realize the very life you worked so hard to create sucked you dry and left you empty. Wasn't all that supposed to fill up the 15-year-old who felt so barren, you ask? "Get a life!" they told you. Well you did that--and it filled you up so tightly that you somehow lost track of yourself. Time is ticking, destiny is calling, parents are aging, youth is fading.

It's a crisis. And maybe you haven't had an identity crisis in so long that the idea almost feels good. The heart pounds, the blood flows. There's a desperation that's so bad it feels marvelous. You're suddenly alive again, barren like a 15-year-old ... and you don't want to lose that. Not again. Problem is everything around you, all the old stuff, seems dead. You have an overwhelming urge to run, jump the train, fly away, and get the heck out of dodge. After all, isn't that what killed you?

Maybe not.

So what's the answer to this dilemma? Not sure I know but I do suspect it's different for each person. My guest today, Jeff, is trying to deal with a wife who looked into the WTF mirror to find a lot she didn't like after being married for over three decades. Jeff is a spouse-left-behind (SLB). He's still in the thick of it, but has bravely offered to share his experience. He believes that those going through midlife difficulties need each other. Sharing and expressing the pain and understanding that a spouse's behavior isn't necessarily about your failure helps. He's taking one day at a time, staying strong for his family. This is his story.

You're in the midst of dealing with your wife's mid-life crises. Can you tell us what is happening?

To make this part of the long story short, about two years ago my wife’s mother passed away after a year or so following a stroke. It was determined at the end of her physical and speech rehabilitation, and a year in an adult day program, that she was then suffering from the onset of Alzheimer’s disease. Once it was determined she could no longer live with us due to the daily care needed and for her own safety and protection, she was admitted into an adult residence facility which catered to a senior population for Alzheimer’s and other memory related issues. Less than two months after being admitted she passed away. My wife, an only daughter, was grieving the loss. In the months following, she and I tended to her funeral affairs and estate issues.

Later that year, my youngest daughter graduated high school and went off to college leaving us an empty nest. Additionally, about a month after my mother-in-law’s death, a younger, single friend of my wife had lost her father. My wife and her friend were often conversing and supporting each other as they had something very much in common. During the year post death, something seemed different about my wife. I attributed it to grieving as anticipated but it was more than that. She and her friend were conversing regularly, texting, instant messaging, emailing and this would go both early morning and after I had gone to bed as well as multiple times during the day. From some of the conversations I heard laughing and whispering which I thought was strange but nothing more.

After a while I approached my wife about the excessive conversation with this person. She stated that she had few friends and this one was close now due to the mutual losses they both experienced. She reinforced that they needed to connect with each other to cope. In my naiveté I believed her but became suspicious. I started noticing overages on the cell phone bill, extensive computer use, her minimizing the computer screen when I walked by, and basically a secretive type of behavior. Family members of mine noticed her behavior being different, co-workers wondered what was changing with her, she became distant to me and not interested in conversation, intimacy or spending free time together. This was very atypical of her as we had a great social relationship between us for most of our 30+ years of marriage.

How can you be sure that this is a mid-life crisis? Based on your research and years of working in the psychiatric health care arena, help us understand.

At first I didn’t know what to think. This “illness” does not have a formal psychiatric diagnosis. I started to research on the internet and described it to my older female relatives, their thinking it may be the onset of menopause. More research brought on more questions. I spoke to a family counselor, minister and family physician. I stumbled across some websites and forums that spoke of similar situations (www.PathPartners.com, www.divorcebusting.com). (Also see the list below.)

In my estimation, it started as midlife “transition” since it has much of what I had read on midlife sites. Death of a family member occurred, an empty nest situation came to fruition, my wife seemed confused and short tempered at times, she lost her pleasant personality and began to attack things I had done for her, things I hadn’t done, the length and quality of our marriage, being married too young (21?), my career path, my formal education, the house we bought, the cars we own, being unhappy for the longest time, re-writing our marriage history to describe my never being there for her, saying we have grown apart, blaming me for just about everything!

She added that she was confused, needed time to be alone and possibly away from me to work things out. She asked me to move out of our bedroom which I did for a couple weeks then realized I did nothing wrong and moved back again to her dismay. She was isolative, sleeping far over the other side of the (queen) bed, no physical interaction at all (including kissing or even touching, certainly no intimacy). After two weeks she decided to move out of the bedroom to a spare room I had been using. She made this smaller room her own, changing lighting, reorganizing furniture, keeping the bed very neat and orderly. Occasionally I would hear her speaking on the phone late night or early morning, laughing and joking. She was protective of my entering this room with her there or not, basically concerned with control issues even though it is also my house as well as hers. We never had issues like this before, very protective.

When the transition became a “crisis” was when I found definitive proof of an affair in what I had read on our family computer. My wife and her friend had planned driving trips together, weekends at a shore house, plans for seeing shows, movies and anticipating upcoming meeting times- I also found documentation of emotional sharing and intimate liaisons between the two which caught me wildly by surprise. During this time she had become obsessed with bills and expenses, wanted all credit cards to be divided, joint accounts split, to pay her own bills and take care of her own car maintenance, many of the tasks I performed since marriage. She started changing passwords for the computer and email as well as keeping her cellphone at hand. Once confronted with the proof from the computer my wife immediately denied it, then blamed me for intruding into her “personal” data that wasn’t supposed to be read by others.

Later she stated they were just friends, didn’t know how it happened but is over now. Two months later my wife moved out to her own apartment.

When your wife left you, how did you initially cope and how are you currently coping? Have your methods and attitudes changed?

It has been about three months now since she moved. Initially I was devastated but kept a straight face and stayed positive saying things like “you need to do this to feel better” when she left. It was my proactive way of letting her know I cared I guess. I was coping by speaking with my elder siblings and other family members, trying to stay as active as possible both around the house and in social events, trying to eat and sleep right. I continue to research it as that is just my nature. I try to take each day as it comes as many on the forums have suggested since my wife’s mood may change significantly on any given day. A frequent motto is that you can change yourself, you cannot change another. You must take care of yourself and your children (if applicable) since that is the only thing you can control. I am practicing detachment which is a method of keeping me away from the emotional feelings I have for her. Not that I don’t love her, just that I don’t want those feelings to consume me.

Most people who share their stories have struggled through their aberrations, and come out on the other side. I realize that you're still in the thick of it. What value have you found in sharing your emotions and thoughts with others, here and in other forums?

It is cathartic and can often get you through a bad time. Sometimes you need the help of others on the forum; other times you help them by your experiences. It is also good to get suggestions on what you might be doing right (or more often wrong) in dealing with your spouse.

You have several children. How are they dealing with the situation? Sometimes that is the worst aspect of marital issues. As parents, we can't bear to see our children suffer. What approach have you taken thus far, and is it helping?

Fortunately my “children” are all adult aged. This made it a little easier for them to “understand” and for my wife to tell them. She did not want them to be told but since they saw the bizarre behavior in their father (investigating the computer files and phone bills, wondering why she was always on the phone, checking out when she didn’t come home on time) I made it a point that they needed to know and were certainly old enough to handle it, if not understand it (which I continue to struggle with). I saw some pain in them but I think they see more in me as their lives are actively unfolding and maturing.

I'm certainly not an expert on it, but my understanding is that at mid-life we often get smacked in the head with unresolved issues from growing up. Sometimes people joke about mid-life crisis, but isn't it important to deal with unresolved issues? Maybe it's life's way of telling us that time is getting short--get down to business. What are your thoughts on this?

Absolutely- unresolved childhood issues come to the forefront (such as lack of independence, control, mental or physical abuse) but manifest as control issues against the spouse. Normal “life” gets in the way (careers, home purchase, pregnancy, child rearing) and postpones those issues until something jogs our brain and we start looking at the other half of life (downhill stretch) and possibly the endpoint comes into view. In my situation, my wife wanted to do many things that she believes (in an irrational way) I kept her from doing. Not only did I not prevent those things from happening, I encouraged them to be pursued. It was her reluctance to go after her “dreams” (but in truth, they may not have been a strong influence at the time).

What are the top three things that we can do when someone we know is faced with this aberration? Sometimes it's hard to know what to say. What do you wish, hope, or welcome from others?

1) Be supportive of the person’s need to vent without judgment- it is a devastating development, often brought on by surprise. The left-behind-spouse (LBS) doesn’t know where to turn or who to speak with.

2) Don’t start a campaign against the person in crisis so that the LBS feels comfortable and vindicated. You are speaking about their wife/husband who they have been living with and possibly raised a family, often for many years.

3) A multi-faceted reply- Obtain professional help in the form of individual counseling or medical help, take care of self and children, keep active in your church, community, work, do whatever makes you feel good about yourself.

We all want a happily ever after scenario but life doesn't always work that way. Do you think that changing our expectations about what happily ever after means helps us cope?

That is the intention and just one of many coping mechanisms but it is often easier said than done. Many joke about midlife crisis but I would question those who joke if they ever had to deal with it themselves. Some of my friends have described coming from broken homes. When they explain the situation, it is frequently due to a parent having a midlife crisis while they were young and they didn’t understand it but the family got through it. They say what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.

Today as you walk through this quagmire you didn't expect to find yourself in, are there any words of hope that you cling to? What keeps you getting up each morning to search for positives?

I look at life a little more positively now. I reflect on what enjoyment I have with my friends and family and life in general since my BFF (my wife) is very distant and for the most part, no longer in the picture. I seek support where I need it, try to stave off depression and expect to look for professional help if it gets too overwhelming. I realize I can only do so much and that I cannot change someone else’s behavior, just my own.

Here are some resources that Jeff found helpful:

http://midlifeclub.com/

http://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/midlife-crisis.html

http://www.fortysixty.org

http://counsellingresource.com/distress/mood-disorders/understanding-depression/index.html

http://womensinfidelity.com/

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Nudes & The Art Virgin

To check out my latest column (The Art Virgin) in The New York Optimist go here. You can also read my novel, Boundaries, which is being published in serial. If you'd like to follow along, best to start now.

Boundaries is the story of Peyton Bound, a young woman who becomes embroiled in a tight love triangle while struggling to break away from her mentally ill mother. It's a story close to my heart because, although it's fiction, it's based on my life as a young adult. I hope you'll check it out.

Also, I just added some of my art to a cool site called barebrush.com, which is dedicated to nudes. To see what I posted, go here. I'm now working on a nude piece that's 7 feet tall! Stay tuned ... it should be interesting ...

Coming up later today: Mid-Life Wife: An Aberration Story. Sphere: Related Content

Sickened: An Aberration Story

If we can tweak our expectations of what life is supposed to be about, we can perhaps be satisfied ...

The bond between mother and child is often hailed as the most critical in our development. So what happens when that bond is broken, falsified, or sickened? In her book, Of Woman Born: Motherhood as Experience and Institution, Adrienne Rich writes, "The loss of the daughter to the mother, the mother to the daughter, is the essential female tragedy." I think about this a lot due to the ongoing struggle I have with my mother.

Our mother is our mirror. If that mirror is distorted in some profound way, we lose a key component, which is extremely difficult to find later. As for me, I trudge on, looking for it here and there. My search led me down a dangerous path more than once, but it's also caused me to view the world in a unique way. It's made me try to see it all without a mirror; it's helped me find my own sight. When there is no mirror, or it's dirty, distorted or broken, everything feels like a haze. Everything is muted or twisted out of shape, somehow unreal. You don't know who to trust or how to love.

Last week, I had the wonderful opportunity to spend time with Julie Gregory, author of Sickened: The True Story of a Lost Childhood (Bantam). Julie grew up with a mother who literally sickened her. I read Sickened a few years ago, and it shot to the top layer of my all-time favorite reads. I identified with her story in many ways, and marveled at her courage, depth and amazing talent. When I began posting interviews on Aberration Nation, Julie stood out as someone I'd love to include. I now count Julie as a friend, and am thrilled to share her story with you.

Note: I usually do my interviews by email, but due to Julie's schedule, I interviewed her by phone. Please keep in mind that the answers below are my interpretation of her thoughts.

You had an unusual childhood that revolved around Munchausen by proxy. Can you explain what that is and how it molded your childhood?

Munchausen by proxy, which has been modernized to Illness Falsification, is one of the world’s most dangerous forms of child abuse. The name was changed to help people better understand what it is, and relate to it more easily. Many people don't know how to recognize it, and no central data exist on it nor is there a specific reporting agency that handles it. It’s not an illness. It’s an action done by a perpetrator to a victim. Injuries or illness can be induced or made up by the perpetrator. As in the case of rape, there can be many underlying illness and reasons why illness falsification is perpetrated.

As for how it molded my life, first let me say that anyone who has an abusive childhood has no other point of reference for comparison. When a child is given medications for fabricated illness, they eventually feel sick and don't have any idea what's going on. It takes a long time to grasp that this person who made them sick is their mother, the one who is supposed to be taking care of and protecting them.

I loved my mother and wanted to please her. I was very confused about how to do that and was ill because of the medications she had me taking. A brief moment of illumination at 13 made me realize that something wasn’t right. The psyche shields abuse survivors from the horrendous reality. Otherwise you'd go crazy. It would be like a daily rape that you can't deal with. The psyche saved my life. As an adult, I don't like health care professionals, and don't trust them. I don't do well with dentistry and medical treatments. Anyone who works on me in medical way has to wear kid gloves. My childhood experience has given me a fine-tune antennae for perpetrators. I don't think the mentally ill should have children in their care. The perpetrators of illness falsification are like pedophiles and should be locked away. I now work on this issue every day.

Your mother's illness put great strain on the family dynamic. How did Munchausen by proxy also touch the lives of your father and brother?

There's a whole spectrum of family dynamics that are considered normal. And then there are these really bad dysfunctional families. That’s what I had. Dad wasn't normal either; he also suffered from mental illness. My parents were two mentally crippled adults who came together. They attracted each other. People are attracted to those who share their realm of thinking. My mother was aggressive and my father was passive, which made their dynamic work. What my mother did didn’t affect my father because he was so blah.

After Sickened came out, he told me a tragic story that truly gutted me. I was sitting in the Target parking lot talking to my dad on the phone. He said, “You know Sissy, there might be something to your book after all. Do you remember when your arm was out of socket?" (I broke my arm in grade school but I didn’t remember this socket thing.) He said, "You must have been about one and a half. Your arm came out of socket. The doctor asked me what really happened. Your mother said that you fell off couch, but the doctor said that falling off the couch wouldn’t cause an arm to be completely pulled out of socket. He thought your mom did it to you. But I told him that she was my wife and I was going to believe her.” He then said he wished now that he’d paid attention. This made me cry for myself. I was just a baby stuck with these ill people who shouldn't even have had a plant to watch over, much less a kid.

As for my younger brother—we came from a family where males were much more celebrated than females. Just like the some other cultures, girls were considered good for sex and cooking, and that was about the extent of it. It was archaic. That was the dynamic. When Mom turned on my brother, Dad stepped up for him in a way that he never would for me. Dad still has this mentality. He actually took a stand and physically abused my mom at one point when she tried to talk to him about my brother being ill. Mom backed off and then turned to getting foster children.

As children, who love and depend on our parents, it's almost impossible for us to grasp the truth when we're forced to exist in a lie. It's a type of brainwashing that is extremely difficult to break away from on many levels. How did you eventually come to realize your mother had a major problem, and that her problem had horribly curtailed your life?

The realization was incremental. I'm a firm believer in the Stockholm syndrome. Consider that an abusive situation is like a prisoner of war situation you don't realize is happening. The lure of family is so strong. Many adults do eventually cut their abusive parents off. No one ever says to the child, “I'm getting ready to do something very bad to you.” Abusers have a highly sophisticated way of rationalizing the abuse. The child begins to feel responsible; remember, they have the heart of a child. The parent trains the child to be their alibi.

How common is Illness Falsifciation, and what are the top three signs we should look for to make sure that the children around us are not caught in this trap?

Larry Brubaker, who is retired from the FBI, used to do Illness Falsification workshops. He felt that these cases were at epidemic levels but is still considered rare because there is no central reporting agency. Common methods used to identify abusers don't work in these cases. You have to take kid away for quite awhile and observe them. You can’t let the parent near the child. It's complicated to do this, and services aren't equipped for it or savvy about it. The common scenario is removing the child from the home for ten days, and this doesn’t work with Illness Falsification.

Illness Falsification is not just focused on physical illness. It can also take the form of psychiatric or developmental obsession. For example, a mother wants her kid in special education, but the kid can read. There have actually been cases where a child is unable to read in front of mother when they can read perfectly fine at school. The teacher invites the mother for a conference and asks the child to read. With the mother present, the child can’t read. So, you see, this can happens on all kinds of levels. Don't think it's rare. There are both subtle and extremely dangerous cases. Mothers have had their children's organs removed and they’ve died.

Here are the top 3 thinks to remember about Illness Falsification:

1) Watch for a mother who is constantly talking about the inadequacies of her child with everyone. This can be physical, mental, or developmental. She talks about it at the child’s school, with her friends, at church, at the grocery store, etc. She seems obsessed with inadequacy of the child and speaks about it in front of the child as if they're not there. She always says that something is wrong with kid.

2) Watch for a child who seems overly enmeshed with the mom ... not developed, pale, malnourished, and quiet. Like a victim of kidnapping with the perpetrator controlling every aspects of their life. The child seems like an appendage to the parent.

3) Remember that when a child is removed from the situation, they need to be given two or three weeks without intervention from the mother. If you're dealing with Illness Falsification, they will begin to improve. The issues they supposedly have become nonexistent. Lethargic kids come to life in the foster home. Wean medications off. Medications can make kids sick so you have to be careful.

Aberration Nation is about celebrating what we learn and how we grow from some of the most awful things that befall us. Now that you have survived and escaped the life you faced as a child, are there any positives you have pulled from the experience? Has it, in any way, help created the best parts of who you are today?

I want to be able to tell you that it has helped me, that my philosophy is that good will triumph over evil, but it's not. Not yet. I was beyond depressed for so long. I’ve become jaded. I’m not able to feel the positive of all this so much now but I do believe that I’m still at the center of my journey. It takes a lot of time.

What do you say to yourself these days when things don't go well? Do you have a special motto or words that you live by?

I need to find some words to live by. I'm still so in the middle of trying to figure out what life's about and what my personal philosophy can be. I see that everyone is in pain. We need to sit with it. If we can tweak our expectations of what life is supposed to be about, we can perhaps be satisfied in a new way. I love Pema Chodron’s book, When Things Fall Apart: Heart Advice for Difficult Times. It’s become my manifesto. It helps me come to grips with disappointment.

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Edith Halpert Joins Aberration Nation

I just read Lindsay Pollock's book, The Girl With the Gallery, which chronicles the life of Edith Halpert. I invite you to hop over to Book Lust to read my review of Pollock's book and find out why I've decided to make Halpert the latest honorary member of the Aberration Nation.

Other Aberration Nation honorary members:

Helen Gurley Brown
Alan Cummings
Pat Conroy
Lizzie Miller Sphere: Related Content